This season is turning out to be one of the greatest seasons in Bachelor history despite the fact that only two episodes have aired thus far. It’s not too late to catch up and join in on the fun- no one has to know. Or you can not watch it and just keep up with my thought on each episode, but make sure you start with the first one.
So, I was a few minutes late to the party today– you can blame New York City subway delays for that. I think all I missed is that Kimberly somehow convinced Chris to let her stay for another episode and Chris now lives in a house at the end of the driveway. According to Chris Harrison, there are no rules. So I predict women sneaking out at night and into Chris’s bed while he’s sleeping and licking his ear or maybe stealing used dental floss.
The first group date started off as a pool party that lasted for five minutes. The women were then paraded down the streets of L.A. in their bikinis and shoes to a tractor race. Anticipation and competition were building up, the air horn sounded, and the tractors were moving at a top speed of about 3 miles per hour. I have no doubt that an electric wheelchair from Walmart could have lapped these tractors. Ashley I, the Kardashian wannabe, won the race, and her false eyelashes fluttered in the wind. Ashley I. got some one on one time with Chris, they returned to the group, and Chris asked Mackenzie to go to dinner with him that evening. She happily accepted while Ashley I. pouted in the corner.
Mackenzie is 21 years old and the mother to her one year old son, Kale. Their date starts off with Mackenzie obsessing over the largeness and perfection of Chris’s nose. She continues to ask him if he believes in aliens. She follows that up with telling him that she hasn’t been on a date in awhile which is of no surprise to anyone based off her conversation topics. After two minutes of rambling about this huge reason she hasn’t been on a date that is so hard to tell him, she finally blurts out that she has a one year old son. He admires and respects that. I have other thoughts.
Hey Chris, you know what else tells you a lot about who she is as a person? She abandoned her one year old to date you with 30 girls…
— Bachelor Bros (@brobachelor) January 13, 2015
Chris gives her a rose, they dance, they kiss, she giggles. Meanwhile at the house, something far more interesting has been going on. Jillian and a blonde girl decide to go explore Chris’s living quarters via a back door entrance. For unknown reasons, a black censor box is placed on Jillian’s butt and vagina regardless of the angles. So Jillian runs around in her bikini and black box while blondie puts on a motorcycle helmet and smashes her head into various walls throughout the apartment. Back at the mansion, we find out that Juelia has a daughter named Ireland. The girls ask about the child’s father, and Juelia becomes very emotional as she tells them that he passed away, he killed himself shortly after their daughter was born. That is some sad shit, but how could she possibly think that The Bachelor was the best place to find a new husband? Carry on to the evening: Megan gets a date card! She thinks it’s a love letter, and the girls have to explain to her that she is going on a one on one date with Chris the following day.
Question for Megan: do you know what this show is for? Chris comes to retrieve Megan, they fly off in a helicopter and picnic at the Grand Canyon. She shares that she almost didn’t come on the show. Her dad died of a massive heart attack only a few days before filming for the show started. Her mom encouraged her to follow her heart and come on the show. Let me tell you from personal experience– when my dad died of a heart attack I didn’t go back to school for three weeks! It took me a week to even realize I should shower. I don’t know if I should say ” you go girl!” or “what the eff is wrong with you?” My opinion means nothing though. Chris was touched by her deciding to come and be with him despite her difficult times. There was a lot of kissing and a rose. Back at the mansion during this date, Jordan is becoming overwhelmingly shitfaced. At some point, she decides to attempt wall-twerking. Take 1 was a fail, so she spits on her hands for better form and gives a mediocre performance at best. A date card arrives for the second group date reading “Til death do us part,” everyone is amused and confused- Jordan is sleeping on the couch and refuses to be bothered (because drunk naps are not meant to be interrupted). The second group date turns out to be a paintball zombie killing adventure that actually seems very enjoyable aside from the fact that it’s dark and scary. This is where we learn (for the second time) that Ashley S. is absolutely insane, on some combination of drugs, and in no way stable.
The other women on the date are fearful that she will shoot them instead of the zombies. She goes up to the “dead zombies” (real people!) and shoots them repeatedly until sheis certain they’ve met their maker. When the killing is complete and the women are gathered around candles, her crazy really emerges. She studies a candle and references the angels that live in it. After being absent for a short amount of time, the women ask her where she’s been, and she responds with “I found the truth. Boom.” No one has any idea what she’s talking about, so they try to get some answers; she tells them to “go find your own truth.” Chris is taking girls aside for some one on one time. He talks with Kaitlyn and they kiss for a bit. Some other girls get alone time. More kisses are likely given out- I don’t remember. Chris pulls Ashley S. aside to try and understand her better because he has “never met anyone like her” (unless of course he has met an alien before). Ashley quickly asks if they’re at the “Mesa Verde Dome” and Chris is like wtf is that. He seems genuinely concerned about her when he asks how she’s adjusting and if she’s okay. She later tells him ” you don’t want to lose the world” and he nods because what the hell is he supposed to say to that? Chris dismisses her and she crawls over to a patch of dirt and sits on the floor with some feral cats. The girls ask Ashley S. who she thinks will get the rose. She says that maybe the angels will. HOMEGIRL IS LEGIT INSANE. Ashley was wrong- the rose goes to Kaitlyn, the dance teacher with sparrow, elbow patch tattoos.
As much attention as I would have liked to give Ashley S. and her acid trip, I could not get over the information drunk Jordan supplied us back at the mansion. Jordan tells us that Jillian has the hairiest butt ever, that it would she needs a weedwhacker to deal with all her hair down there. Perhaps that explains the censored area? I didn’t know pubes were meant to be kept secret from the American public. If she were at the pool party, Chris would have sent her home. I don’t think he’s a bush guy.
This cocktail party should be called the makeout party. Once word travels that Chris is giving out kisses, the women get weird. Chris gives a “free kiss from Chris” coupon to Britt, the winner of the first impression rose. They make out a bit. Whitney sets up a mini one on one date with Chris’s favorite whiskey and a toast… I don’t remember if they kiss. Amber gets some kisses. Ashley I. tells Mackenzie that she’s never had a boyfriend and is a virgin. Mackenzie becomes overcome with jealousy because that will help her go far on the show. Ashley I. has some one on one time with Chris in which she tells him to rub the lamp on her belly button ring and use one of his three wishes that last as long as she’s on the show. I wanted him to wish for her to stop being a creepy weirdo, but instead he wished for a kiss. They made out with the ferocity of middle schoolers. The onlookers could not believe a virgin would behave in such a manner.
News flash to people who don’t know adult virgins: THEY LOVE MAKING OUT! If a person has managed to go her entire life without sex, chances are she’s mastered most everything else– making out falls in this category. Looking forward to Chris’s last two wishes– will this lead to the heavy petting in the tent scene that was shown at the end of the first episode? probably. Now that over half of the women have made out with Chris and he’s probably garnered a sponsorship from Chapstick for men, it’s time for roses. Mackenzie, Megan, and Kaitlyn are safe. Britt unsurprisingly gets the first rose at the ceremony followed by the make out queen, Ashley I. Chris, in his ventriloquist dummy way of speaking, calls Juelia for a rose, but Jillian mistakes his mutterings for her own name. He loudly says Juelia again as Jillian is walking up, she attempts to step back to her place but slips on the rug! One of the greatest moments of a rose ceremony. She can’t stop laughing, the other girls said they would want to die if that happened to them. Jillian ends up getting a rose later on anyway, so it’s all good. The final rose goes to Ashley S, our blonde angel, and it’s officially clear that the show is rigged by producers for my entertainment. I appreciate you, producers, because this girl is the most entertaining gem to ever grace the bachelor mansion.
Last week’s crazy drunk, Tara, and this week’s crazy drunk, Jordan, are sent home along with a girl I’ve never seen before and Kimberly who also got sent home last week. Tara (the sport fishing enthusiast) and Kimberly are sobbing and heartbroken after a full five days of knowing Chris. They both express concerns of not knowing what was wrong and therefore being unable to fix what Chris didn’t like about them. This is where I have to step up to my podium: a woman should never try to fix what a man doesn’t like about her. If you see something in yourself you don’t like, by all means, take the steps to become the person you want to be, but don’t become a person you’re not, especially for a person who probably still needs a spreadsheet to know your name.
Next week: Jimmy Kimmel is the first person to wake Chris up in his bed– I wonder if he also entered through the back door?