The first episode of each Bachelor and Bachelorette season never fails me. It is an event. It’s a fucking holiday. Some lonely hot man or woman is left to meet a batch of potential psychopaths and hopefully his or her life partner is hiding in the rubbish.
The arrival of limos filled with women in gowns, the cheesy lines they utter to their future husband, the drunkenness that quickly follows and the accompaniment of stranger drama, jealousy, and crazy eyes… I’m so obsessed. There are a few unwritten rules for the first rose ceremony: distribute roses based on looks and keep at least one black girl so America doesn’t accuse you of being racist.
Because this first episode is such a special day, all (four) of my girlfriends in NYC got together to watch, gossip, and do some choreography from Annie that was totally unrelated and absolutely necessary. Wine was flowing, cookies were eaten, estrogen was abundant, and judgments were cast. I highly recommend watching with a group of people you love.
As much as I love this show, I’ve got to admit that the first hour of the three hour premiere seriously pissed me off. There was absolutely no need for the hour long, red carpet nonsense that took place. The fact that the ghosts of Bachelor, Bachelorette, and Bachelor Pad past were present to share their thoughts on this season’s bachelor, Chris Soules, was ridiculous (but I did love seeing Erica Rose in the background in her heinous jumpsuit). Sean and Catherine (and her super odd cape) graced us with their presence on the red carpet as did Andi and Josh and the very single Nikki who only had well-wishes for the super sexy shithole- Juan Pablo. So blah-blah-blah people with nothing better to do than show up and watch another fool attempt to find a wife on a tv show talked to Chris Harrison, and he was nice to everyone except Nikki. The end. BRING ME THE LIMOS!
The first girl to emerge from a limo was Britt who appeared to be the love child of Sofia Vergara and Miley Cyrus. She started crying into his shoulder during their first hug because she was overwhelmed by the fact that it was really him (she’s crazy). Other highlights include Reegan, a cadaver tissue saleswoman, who brings Chris a cooler with a fake heart in it- totally not creepy at all; Tara who exits the limo in boots and Daisy Dukes, then changed into a dress and heels in the mansion and sneaks back into the limo for a second exit; Amanda, the queen of crazy eyes, has a man deliver an envelope to Chris that tells him to close his eyes- she gives him a hug from behind and he doesn’t even see her (which is in her best interest because her eyes will actually give me nightmares); Ashley S., princess of crazy eyes, who never blinks and puts a penny in Chris’s
shoe sole. All of those girls were in the first 15, and then Chris Harrison told them to go inside. The end.
So everyone is freaking out because omg there are always more than 15 contestants. Some girl tells a joke about a walrus at a tupperware party and she might not know it’s a sex joke, everyone is like… wtf? Then we leave the mansion and visit Chris Harrison at the watch party where he introduces us to 6 farmers’ wives from Iowa. They clearly get their hair done by Edward Scissorhands and are all in a crossword club; it becomes abundantly clear as to why Chris is still single and equally clear that his future wife will have a very lonely life and possibly gain 50-100 pounds.
Back to the mansion- the cocktail party is going on, Chris is chatting with the ladies, and then another limo comes. The first 15 are fuming with anger as if they didn’t know that more women would eventually show up- they also got a head start on drinking which pans out well for viewers later on. The new crop of ladies (see what I did there?) are pretty boring: a girl named Tandra rides in on a motorcycle and looks like a hybrid of Blake Lively and Dee from Always Sunny, I mistake Jordan for Skyler from Breaking Bad, Nicole wears a pig nose to appeal to the farmer, the WWE Diva-in-Training wears some disturbing outfit, Carly the Disney princess wannabe has eyebrows that look like apostrophes and sings horribly into a child’s karaoke set, and a whole bunch of people who are so boring that I wrote nothing about them walk out of limos and hug Chris.
Two women have an especially difficult time concealing their drunkenness: Ashley S. and Tara. Ashley S (who looks like a wax sculpture of Jane Krakowski or maybe the stepmom in Parent Trap) gets so drunk that during her one on one time with Chris she goes into elaborate details about her dreams of riding a horse through a field of sunflowers. She also describes Chris as an onion to which she’d like to peel the layers back. She later confuses a pomegranate for an onion and rips it out of a tree to show the camera crew. So yeah. She’s crazy. Tara’s moment of fame doesn’t come until the rose ceremony when she can barely stand, almost falls off the steps, and is an all around drunk fool; I can’t really blame her though- we’ve all been in an uncomfortable situation where we drank too much and embarrassed the shit out of ourselves.
Britt, the first girl out of the limo, gets the first impression rose. After handing off the rose, the two make out like middle schoolers, and it’s clear that Chris wants to stick his corncob in her. The rose ceremony begins, and roses are given to Kaitlyn, Jade, Samantha, Ashley I., Tandra, Nikki, Kelsey, Megan, Alissa, Amber, Juelie, Becca, and Trina. Then Bachelor Chris leaves the room to talk with Host Chris about what to do with super inebriated Tara. Host Chris says it’s Bachelor Chris’s decision. Bachelor Chris returns and gives roses to Mackenzie, Tracey, Tara (THE SUPER DRUNK GIRL), Jordan, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, and Ashley S (the crazy onion girl). The losers who got sent home are filmed sobbing outside because they’ll never find love and this was their last hope- most of them are in their early to mid twenties, so I think they’ll be okay. While the chosen ones are all Cheers-ing Chris, Kimberly returns from the outdoors where she was sent roseless and asks Chris for some of his time… DUN DUN DUN. Find out what happens next week.
- I’m sad to say goodbye to Nicole, the gorgeous ginger, and Brittany, the WWE Diva in Training.
- I’m going to go ahead and peg Jillian as the bully of the season despite her beauty and perfect ass.
- Mackenzie has a son named Kale… it needed to be said.
My picks for the final five:
And how could I miss the 10 minute season teaser? It’s essentially the same as every season: travel, kissing, sports, drama, medical emergencies (was that MY Kelsey having a panic attack on a bathroom floor?!), tears, tears, tears, tears, tears, tears, jumping off a ship holding hands, and I think maybe some sex in a tent.
Don’t forget this is a competition: “I would rather chew glass and wash it down with a bag of hair than lose to her.”