Signs You Watch Too Many Crime Dramas
- You’ve thought about starting a running list of people who might want to murder you, so you could save the police the step of having them question your friends and family and having them be like, “Nobody would want to hurt Sara, everybody loved her” and wasting precious time.
- But then you think about it and you really can’t think of anyone who would murder you, and are overcome with the crippling fear that if you get murdered the cops will have no leads.
- If you’re walking to your car and notice someone chilling in a nearby parked car, you automatically run into the shelter of your automobile and lock your doors. Sure that guy may have been eating McDonald’s in the McDonald’s parking lot, but what if that was what he wanted you to think???
- You rarely help strangers because the sweet old lady asking you for the time is clearly just a ruse. She’s obviously got an entourage of goons waiting to ambush you and throw you in the back of the running van around the corner.
- Anytime you interact with anyone suspicious you take as many mental notes about their physical appearance as possible.
- You can often be heard muttering things like, “White male. Mid 30’s. Over 5’10. Black North Face fleece. Wedding band.” under your breath.
- You try to avoid spaces without possible escape routes as much as possible. Like the elevator. Or the stairs. Or any other method to get you from one floor of a building to another. Actually, escalators are okay.
- You have a slew of irrational fears based off of things you saw on a crime drama. “My room is freezing but I’m too afraid to buy a space heater because once on Law & Order this little girl’s space heater started a fire while everyone was asleep and they all died” was a sentence that actually left your mouth.
- Part of you thinks you could kill someone you didn’t like and get away with it, easy (insulin injection between the toes—they’ll never suspect), but then you think about it and you decide that between the alibi, eye witnesses, motive, and DNA, the NYPD detectives would find you in about ten minutes.
- You know that if you ever get questioned by the police, you’ll stay silent and get an attorney ASAP. Lawyer up and shut up: that’s your personal motto.
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