Posted On February 24, 2015 By In Television

Monkey Piss and a V-Card: The Bachelor Season 19, Episode 9

 
 

Forgive me if my recap this week isn’t entertaining or correct. Despite the group finally leaving America and heading to Bali, it was the most boring episode ever, and I was completely zoned out for a majority of this dreadfulness. I should have just watched The Voice tonight. #regret

Let’s start off with something exciting: this picture that surfaced of Bachelor Chris with Sandy Kenyon of Eye-Witness News and Taxi TV.

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Kaitlyn 

Chris and Kaitlyn walked around in a temple where they couldn’t kiss and balanced baskets on their heads. Then they went to a garden/ jungle/ spacious area full of monkeys where we quickly learned that Chris needs to invest in clinical strength antiperspirant. Also, a monkey peed on Chris.

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Somehow they ended up eating a meal that I’m going to assume was dinner. A heart to heart went down and the fantasy suite card was read; Chris giggled, Kaitlyn said “we deserve this,” which I don’t understand in the slightest. She said the L word (love, not lesbian) and he reciprocated. The camera crew left so they could bang. Kaitlyn was sent home this episode, and she was super bummed out, so I’m guessing Chris’s penis is bigger than I thought.

Whitney

Whitney walks like a gigantic dildo is stuck in her butthole (or how I assume someone in that predicament would walk). She ran down a dock in a similar state, and Chris jumped off a ship to greet her. It looked like he might have twisted his ankle. The two set off on the sea, and we learned that it’s possible to cross one’s legs on a whole new level that involves someone else’s leg. Is that more or less ladylike than a normal leg cross?

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As far as I gathered, the two just sat on this ship eating fruit and then went swimming. Other stuff might have happened, but I was busy refilling my wine glass for the millionth time. At least the camera guys got this awesome angle; bet they can’t wait to show their future grandkids a picture of their third date when they discussed their possible marriage. That’s what I do on my third dates.

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Anyway, they also ate dinner at some point. Chris asked how she feels about potentially moving to Arlington, and she basically said that she’s ready to retire and start shooting babies out of her vag. He was very pleased with this answer, invited her to the fantasy suite, and attempted to put a farm-strong sperm in her.

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Becca

The drama and momentous build up of this episode was all about Becca being a secret virgin and what to do about the fantasy suite. Of course, their date started with a visit to a man that may or may not be a love guru (I honestly have no idea). They asked for advice for their relationship and he said they should make love.

Becca was uncomfortable, so she and Chris just laughed it off like junior high girls in a sex ed class. After the giggling was put to a rest, they made out in a creek for a little. Chris “loves who Becca is as a person”– compared to how she is as an animal? What does that phrase even mean? 9beccanatural I have no context for this photo because… I wasn’t really watching. But, at the dinner, Becca told Chris that she’s pretty sure she’s falling in love with him; unfortunately for Chris, she can’t be sure because she’s never been in love before. The fantasy suite invitation arrives, Chris giggles as per usual, Becca nervously accepts, and the crew follows them into room where Becca’s boob gets touched for probably the first time in her life. Becca tells Chris that she has a secret she’s been keeping from him. Chris gets a panicked look (confused and pretending to care). Becca tells him that she’s a virgin; Chris breathes heavily, and I’m almost positive he mutter’s “fine” and proceeds to kiss her. I have a big issue with all of this– Becca has made it clear to viewers that she’s a virgin because she’s saving herself for marriage (that is not my issue). When a guy hears “I’m a virgin,” I’m pretty sure his ear/ brain workings form that into “I want you to take my virginity.” As far as we know, Becca never told him that she chose to remain a virgin– she’s not just some girl who can’t get laid. Tangent over, but please take a mental note that there is a difference. Twitter speculated that Becca lost it to Chris in Bali, but she set the tweeters straight.

Rose Ceremony

The rose ceremony took place in a holy temple where affection was limited to hand holding. That’s cute and all (I love that they’re pretending to be cultured), but does that mean that the woman that gets sent home will be left with a hand hug?

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Chris meets the women dressed in his tae kwon do practice suit and immediately asks if he can talk to Becca. He holds her hand, breathes heavily, and whispers. The other women think that he’s sending her home gently. Turns out he just wants to see if she’s willing to live in Arlington, Iowa and embrace the farm life. Speaking like a person that actually realizes the sanctity of marriage, she says something about continuing to date before getting engaged and moving and all of the crazy stuff that people jump into after all two months of being on this show (this entire conversation might have actually happened on their date).

Chris and Becca return to a confused Whitney and Kaitlyn. Whitney gets the first rose, and Kaitlyn instantly knows that she will not be Mrs. Soules, Bachelor winner. Becca accepts the second rose, and Chris escorts Kaitlyn out of the temple so that he can embrace her as she sobs into his C cup pecs. While she’s getting dumped in the worst way, a rooster is crowing (or whatever verbage is used to signify that a rooster is being a total asshole) and telling her to wake the fuq up and escape the insanity that is this crazy show. I also think the rooster wants her to become the next bachelorette.

*Somewhere between Becca’s date and the rose ceremony, Bachelor Chris meets with Host Chris to discuss his dilemma of being in love with three women. Chris Harrison is sporting a Tommy Bahamas outift and a DGAF attitude.

*Next week is the Women Tell All episode which is sure to be a huge hit as this season was full of psychotic women and controversy. Can’t wait to see Ashley S. again!

*I stick to my claim of Whitney winning.

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