There exists in this world great literature. In this same world, there also exists Reality TV. Here’s what would happen if the two were combined…
Jay Gatsby of The Great Gatsby: The Bachelor
Chris Harrison is so Nick Carraway. Picture their Pre-Rose Ceremony sit downs.
Chris Harrison: “So Jay, how do you feel about Ashlee telling you that she is falling in love with you?”
Gatsby: “Well, old sport, I just really hope my ex Daisy is watching this.”
Gatsby would take those cocktail parties to the next level. He’s so rich and handsome – imagine the cat fights on Jay’s season! And the scandal when he ends up proposing to none of the girls because he’s “not ready to commit” because he’s waiting for Daisy.
Anna Karenina of Anna Karenina: Real Housewives
Her catchphrase would be, “You can count on me to stir things up.” It’s funny because she’s married to a Count and also has an affair with a Count. LOL. She’s a socialite with tons of drama: Family drama, social drama, lover drama. Andy Cohen would be thrilled to have her as a guest on Watch What Happens Live, where she can plead the fifth about her scandalous affair.
Holden Caulfield of The Catcher in the Rye: The Real World
Holden Caulfield has no problem getting real. All of the other roommates are a bunch of phonies. Cynical and anti-social, Holden would serve up some brutal honesty in the confessional. He’d skip roommate bonding time and never show up to work. But his angsty, brooding bad boy behavior would go over well on MTV and might even land him his own show. Holden: Uncensored. Everyone would start wearing red hunting hats.
Abigail Williams of The Crucible: America’s Next Top Model
America’s Next Top Model is basically The Crucible. A bunch of young women creating unnecessary drama and calling each other witches (only with a b). They spend most of their time on trial in front of a bunch of judges. Abigail Williams would be the breakout star of the season and the winner as she’s ruthless and would do anything to win. She makes no secret she hopes to use her Top Model status to get her married man crush into bed.
Ralph of Lord of the Flies: Survivor
Who’s got the conch? Probably Jeff Probst, that smug bastard. Despite the season’s villain Jack trying to screw over the likable Ralph in the vote, Ralph would totally win with his natural leadership skills. Though he’ll forever be emotionally scarred by his experience on the show and the “loss of innocence” that is reality TV.
McMurphy of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest: Intervention
He’d walk into the intervention for his fighting and gambling and immediately plea insanity as to avoid rehab or jail. It’d be the only episode where you’re rooting for the addict to keep up their degenerate behavior. McMurphy’s episode would also produce some quality gifs.
Santiago of The Old Man and the Sea: Deadliest Catch
A skilled but unlucky old fisherman sets out to end his unlucky streak. The danger is real. After a long time going back and forth between heart-pounding suspense, bored indifference, and craving a filet-o-fish, the show ends. Some people will think it was awesome, others will think it was lame. Everyone will sing the filet-o-fish song.
Hester Prynne of The Scarlet Letter: Teen Mom
It is really hard to be a young single mom. Everyone is so judgmental! Hester is perfect for Teen Mom. Young? Check! Uncommon/weird baby name? Check! Baby daddy drama? Absolutely. Her storyline would cover her being an outcast in her religious community and her refusal to name the father of her child, keeping audiences tuning in each week to see if she’ll crack.