This week we were #blessed by ABC and given two episodes of The Bachelorette to make up for the fact that the show won’t be returning until June 20th. NBA Finals > shitty reality tv; I get it (Go Dubs!). As expected, both episodes ended with the daunting “To Be Continued…” black screen after enough Chad drama to keep the show alive for years to come. I was busy setting up my bullet journal during the first episode and busy drinking a bottle of wine during the second episode, so I probably missed “important” things (Chad eating a sweet potato).
Let’s Get Physical
JoJo invited Chase to a one on one yoga date. I missed most of this date, but I managed to see a few poses that involved JoJo wearing a neon sports bra and mounting Chase. He got a rose and they danced to a random guy singing that sounds like all of the other random guys singing on this show.
Love Has No Secrets
This group date included Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F. (who are you?), Christian, Vinny, Alex, Daniel, Nick, Evan, Chad, Ali, and JoJo nestling into a small theatre to watch a female comedian have an orgasm on stage. Real or fake, I’m not one to judge– it’s art. The boys later find out that they must prepare their own sex stories to share on stage in front of JoJo, the other guys, and a live audience. JoJo is possibly the first bachelorette ever to say that she thinks sex is important in a relationship. She’s just so modern!
The guys are all having fun sharing their stories until Erectile Dysfunction Specialist Evan goes up and shares the dangers of steroid usage and essentially accuses Chad of being a roider. Chad may as well have steam blowing out of his ears like a cartoon when he takes the stage after Evan. Rather than share an awkward sex story, he calls JoJo up to the stage, tries to kiss her, and gets denied. He later punches a metal door, gets bloody knuckles, and threatens Evan.
Highlights from the post date hangout:
- Evan asks Chad why he’s “here.” Chad thinks Evan is bullying him.
- Chad thinks Grant looks like a human version of Squidward.
- Chad tells JoJo “Evan is the little kid trying to bully the bully,” but then denies he is a bully…
- Evan gives JoJo the If-Chad-Stays-I-Go ultimatum.
- Evan gets the group date rose (assuming this was a push from producers because it’s Evan).
- Chad is shocked; “Is this real? Like is this a real scenario right now?… Like you’re actually for real vibing this dude right now?” To which JoJo replies, “Yes, and I don’t like this side of you.”
- “No woman on Earth every chooses Evan unless it’s to come sweep her front yard.” Another great line from Chad.
- A security guard that resembles Paul Blart Mall Cop is now a regular fixture around the mansion. to protect people from Chad.
Please take note of Chad’s snacking options and Canadian Daniel’s accent.
Let’s Kick it Old School
James Taylor, the guitar playing Texan, got his first one-on-one date with JoJo. An old lady taught them how to swing dance (he’s not a very talented dancer), and they joined a bunch of random people to swing dance in the streets– think impromptu musical number in a movie. Their romantic day continues with a heart to heart in an old fashioned car at a place that is most likely called “Lover’s Lookout” or “Make Out Hill.” JoJo’s southern accent intensifies as she responds to James Taylor’s tales of being bullied as a child that led to his insecurities as an adult. JoJo tells him he’s “the whole package” and gives him a rose. As predicted, he retrieves his guitar from the trunk and serenades JoJo; I’m not sure if he’s after a wife or a record deal, but he is quite adorable.
The Cocktail Party turned Pool Party
Chris Harrison teases that JoJo has decided to cancel the cocktail party… OH NO! Just kidding, she wants to have a pool party instead. Silly JoJo, such a trickster! Of course Evan immediately grabs Chris Harrison to let him know that Chad is out of control and dangerous.
Chris then decides to talk to Chad, and we are gifted with my favorite line in all of Bachelor/ Bachelorette history:
There’s no way I could have brought [steroids] with me!
Says Chad to Chris Harrison. Then babysitter Chris tells Chad to handle his problems in a way that will be well received. Chad has no trouble speaking his mind and says “I want to cut everyone here’s arms off and legs off and they’re gonna be torsos and I’m gonna throw em in the pool.”
Then we get the TO BE CONTINUED…
Pool Party Continued
JoJo tries to talk to Chad and he asks if she’d rather have ice cream or steak; I assume that he is the steak and everyone else is ice cream, but that’s not a very good analogy to use at a pool party. There’s some more conflict, and then we’re finally gifted with a rose ceremony!
- Chase (1 on 1 rose)
- Evan (group rose)
- James Taylor (1 on 1 rose)
- James F.
R.I.P. to two of our minorities that were able to hang on for three whole episodes: Christian and Ali, and farewell to Nick B. aka Santa. See you at Christmas!
JoJo sends up a Cheers! and a “pack your bags, we’re leaving the mansion for good, and we’re not coming back!” A bit redundant, but I don’t think it hurts to explain things twice with this bunch. JoJo and her boys head off to Nemacolin Woodlands Resort in Farmington, Pennsylvania, and I’m left to wonder why the Bachelor always takes ladies to the beach and the Bachelorette always takes her guys to cold places. Something tells me this has to do with bikinis.
I Like You Very Mush
Our resident war veteran and super sexy southerner Luke finally gets a one on one date with JoJo. There’s some dog sledding, some wood chopping, and a very hot wood burning fire place where Luke not so secretly gropes JoJo’s ass. Luke shares about how he ended up in the army, losing a close friend in Afghanistan, and how his life experiences have taught him what’s important in life. Luke tells JoJo he could look into her eyes for the rest of his life, and she obviously gives him the rose. There’s some dancing and kissing at a random country concert. JoJo says that “Luke will be an amazing husband,” and I can’t help but wonder if she’s already made her choice.
We Could Go All the Way
The group date invitation this week went to Derek, James Taylor, Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F., Evan, Grant, Jordan, and Robby. This football date was hosted by Ben Roethlisberger, Hines Ward, and Brett Keisel of the Pittsburgh Steelers; not sure I’d want an alleged rapist helping me pick a husband, but you do you, JoJo. They ask about her favorites (Chase, James Taylor, and Jordan) and the strugglers (Evan), Jordan is very quick to remind her that he played quarterback at Vanderbilt and went on to play professionally.
They start running drills and doing other football things, and James Taylor ends up with his face covered in blood. The medic suggest stitches, he says no thanks, and he goes on to join the struggle bus Blue Team with Evan, Robby, Vinny, and Derek. The White Team is home to Chase, Daniel, Wells, Grant, and James F. Jordan, the football superstar, is all-time quarterback, so he gets to go on the date regardless of who wins.
Shockingly, the Blue Team wins and gets to stay on the date with JoJo. Robby, the former competitive swimmer, makes JoJo feel “sexy” which she shares after being lifted onto a pool table and indulging in a steamy make-out session. Despite their intimate moment, JoJo gives the group date rose to Jordan.
Let’s Get Lost
During a previous date this week, Chad was home with some of the guys and let them know that “it’s not a wise decision to poke the Chad bear.” The Chad bear is now being sent off into the woods with our tiny Marine, Alex, on a two on one date. JoJo leads the boys through the woods to a river where they lay down some blankets and try to pretend they’re all having fun. Alex and JoJo get one-on-one time first, and Alex decides to spend it all talking about Chad’s anger issues. During Chad and JoJo’s time, Chad shares that he feels like everyone is out to get him. When all together, Alex lets JoJo know that Chad threatened Jordan, and you can see the shift in JoJo’s demeanor. JoJo leaves the men on their own as she takes a scenic walk alone (with the camera crew) to think.
JoJo is overcome with emotion during her thinking time, but ultimately decides she can’t have someone that resorts to physical violence in the house. Alex gets the rose, and Chad asked if he’s getting pranked. When Chad’s suitcase is removed from the house, the men cheer and high five much like the ladies did in the previous Bachelor season when Olivia’s suitcase was pulled. The only difference is that the men all decide to take shots of fireball.
We’re left following Chad through the woods and listening to his whistles in what could only be a scene taken from a horror film. Chad apparently hikes all the way back to where the guys are staying, knocks on the door, and streaks his fingers down the glass window.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Until next time! (which won’t be until June 20th)