My favorite holiday season has finally returned! Christmas is great, Halloween is wonderful, July Fourth can be fantastic as well, but nothing compares to a new season of The Bachelorette.

Enter Joelle Fletcher (JoJo), our new bachelorette. The producers quickly reminded us that she got dumped by someone that loved her but “love[d] someone else more.” She was a fan favorite on Ben’s season, but I’m pretty sure Bachelor Nation loved about 90% of the women on his season. My favorite JoJo memory is definitely one that has nothing to do with her and everything to do with her mother chugging champagne from the bottle during her hometown date.

via GIPHY

Before we get started, I should probably note that JoJo has definitely had some work done– some face stuff and some boob stuff. Not here to hate; she’s going to be filmed for weeks, and confidence is key!

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The Bachelorette Season 12 Premiere

via ABC

First Impression Highlights

1. Jordan: first out of the limo, wears very tight pants and may need to consult with Evan (Erectile Dysfunction Specialist) later in life
2. James Taylor: Sings her a sweet song and bonds over Texas and country music
3. Robby: Brought JoJo a bottle of wine to drink “Fletcher Style”
4. Luke: Rides in on a unicorn named Coconut because JoJo greeted Ben with a unicorn head the previous season.
5. Saint Nick:  Sporting a Santa suit and cheering “Jo Jo Jo” because JoJo is NOT a ho ho.

Robby’s First Impression on The Bachelorette

First Impression Failures

1. Sal: Hands JoJo blue stress balls and “gives her permission to squeeze [his] balls.”
2. Daniel: “Damn, JoJo, back at it again with The Bachelorette!”
3. Jonathan: Shows up in a kilt and lets JoJo know that he’s “half Scottish below the waist.”
4. Nick S.: He did the splits… why?
5. Grant: “I’m not going to do what Ben did to you last season; I’m not going to fall in love with two girls.” Because everyone wants to be reminded of their public break up when trying to meet someone new.

Canadian Daniel

I have nothing against Canadians, but this guy is an annoying drunk who is not there for the right reasons. After failing at his first impression, Drunk Daniel tries to explain the “Damn Daniel” Vines to JoJo (who was definitely still on the show for the week that was a thing). He continues to poke Evan in the bellybutton, thus starting #bellybuttongate. He also shares with that “if [he] were gay, [he’d] be in paradise” and accompanies that with some saucy eyebrow raises before removing his shirt for some intimate fitness model poses.

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He later decided to strip down to his black underpants (think women’s bikini cut) and jump in the pool. He was that guy, which is not a good thing. Unfortunately for JoJo (and fortunately for us), Daniel was one of many drunk idiots, and abc has kindly put together a compilation of the mayhem.

Lesson learned: don’t poke a man’s bellybutton, and don’t get blackout drunk when you’re trying to meet your future spouse.

Highlights and Observations

• Jordan gets the first impression rose! They have a steamy make out session, and she is very impressed by his body: “My goodness! His butt. His butt. I gotta start doing squats.” #same. JoJo has yet to find out that he is the younger brother of Aaron Rodgers and maybe doesn’t have a job (unclear on this). I have no doubt that he will be hated this season.
• The first person to get 1-on-1 time with JoJo was Alex, a very short Marine. He did push ups while she sat on his back. Not into it.
• Ali, the Iranian bartender, whisks JoJo away and plays the piano for her. In the words of my nanny mom, “He’s a beautiful pianist.”
• As his name suggests, Chad is a pretentious douchebag with a career is luxury real estate. He lives in Tulsa, so I’m not sure what classifies as luxurious. Jojo will inevitably keep him for way too long and be heartbroken when word gets out that he’s not a good guy.
• James Taylor, the sweet southern gentleman with the guitar, will probably be crushed by JoJo; however, she did describe his as the “type of person you want to spend every day with.”
• Jonathan, the kilt man, gets a Jillian inspired black box when sitting down because he is freeballin’ to his heart’s delight.
• Luke the unicorn rider brings JoJo her very own pair of authentic cowboy boots. He’s a war veteran, and I worry that he’s a deeply broken person. Much like Jubilee of last season, this type of show begs for vulnerability, and if you’ve experienced trauma, it can be rough.
• Nick B. (aka Santa) is winning me over. Maybe it’s seeing him drink beer with a Santa beard on, maybe it’s seeing JoJo sit on his lap and ask for an amazing guy. It definitely has to do with him wearing a full suit underneath his Santa suit but keeping the Santa one on because JoJo asked him to.
• A guy named Wells that I will probably refer to Wells Fargo for the remainder of the season brought an a capella group to follow him around and serenade JoJo. He’s cute, but that’s a bit much for me.
• A sad dork named Will made a paper fortune teller and gave JoJo the first kiss of the night. It wasn’t good. I think he might have a side job as a very bad but happy nonetheless magician.
• James S. is a Bachelor franchise super fan. He’s shown in the bloopers freaking out over the idea of meeting with Chris Harrison. Is he here for the right reasons?!

Rose Ceremony

Just as the rose ceremony is about to begin, the producers invited former Bachelor Jake Pavelka, a family friend of JoJo’s and someone she regards “like a brother.” They hype it up to make it seem like he wants to be considered for her love, but in the end, he just tells her to follow her gut. Dumb and annoying; please stop doing this, reality tv producers.

1. Jordan (first impression rose)
2. Luke, unicorn rider
3. Wells, will the a capella group stay?
4. James Taylor, guitar playing sweetheart
5. Grant
6. Derek
7. Christian
8. Chad, pretentious asshat
9. Chase
10. Alex, short marine
11. Robby, wine bottle chugger
12. Brandon, “hipster”
13. James F.
14. Ali, piano player
15. Nick B., Santa
16. Will, uncomfortable kiss prompted by a paper fortune teller
17. James S., Bachelor super fan
18. Vinny
19. Evan, got poked in the belly button
20. Daniel, poked Evan in the belly button

We said farewell to six guys:

1. Colin, idk
2. Jake, idk
3. Jonathan, the free ballin’ kilt wearer
4. Nick S., splits
5. Peter, idk
6. Sal and his blue balls

Predictions

I’m ready to key in my final four (in no particular order!)

1. Jordan Rodgers
2. James Taylor
3. Luke
4. Robby

I think that douchebag Chad will make it far because he’s volatile and makes for good entertainment. The minorities will slowly be eliminated as always because she doesn’t want to seem racist, but she’s on the show looking for her pretty, white boy. I’m so annoyed by this. The producers need to cast a greater percentage of non-white contestants; it’s 2016 and there are only a handful of “token” men and women each season, on both the Bachelor and Bachelorette. FIX THIS!

From our bachelorette season teaser, I’m happy to report there will be someone accused of having a girlfriend back home, a bloody fight, way too many “I love you” moments, Chris Harrison interventions, and so many tears.

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