Stories Tag

Record 31: Monterey, Sunday, July 5th, 2015. Day. Old John does his crossfit exercises on the wharf’s edge. He does them at sunup, not only for the sake of adding a, yes, hint of drama to the retelling of his daily crossfit undertaking, but, he will tell you, because he is infatuated with the sun, and its location relative to him mid-burpee. When asked why the sun is so arresting to him, he will tell you to think of a world with no natural light. A world artificially lit inRead More

Record 29: San Francisco, Saturday, July 5th, 2014. Day. Here ye here ye all you radders ‘n rollers! Dat Bar: BAR is straight opening its doors TONIGHT for an unofficially and totally incomparably lit 4th of July after-soiree! That’s right, it’s that summer season of sippin’, so trip on in for a coupla brews and kickback with Dat Bar: BAR’s in house groove dude, DJ dubblaLICKAbron! He’ll be lettin that bass drop all nite dear brahs and brahdesses, and word on the street is DJCM’s crushin’ the illest brat-pop dubwaverRead More

Record 28: Sacramento, Friday, July 5th, 2013. Night. The locker room is a church at halftime. Winning or losing, it doesn’t matter. It’s where we come together for reassurance. For motivation. Hope. At least, this is what I’m told I should believe. There’s the smell of sweat. Old Spice. Axe body spray nonsense. Cedar from the open window. But this is all familiar. Tonight, there’s a sting in the air. Something sour in the space between our heads and the cement ceiling. My players, the kids, they’re sucking air inRead More

“Everyone in the neighborhood rejoices?” or “A bunch of meatheads have to look for something else to talk about?” you’re probably thinking. You’re right, there’s a tremendous and well-deserved reputation for Crossfit gyms to be full of braggadocios who are constantly throwing around jargon like “WOD,” “PR,” “AMRAP,” and the like. The Crossfit experience has definitely bred these things into members, but what it’s also bred is what’s given rise to the cultish following: fitness, healthy habits, weight loss. I can already feel your eyes rolling at your computer screen,Read More

It was one of those classic San Francisco mornings.  In other words, I was hungover and there were homeless men sleeping outside my 6-floor building downtown.  I liked where I lived.  It was “different.”  Moreover, it was my first studio apartment and when I lifted my murphy bed back into the wall, I could dance in my underwear by myself or with a special friend, depending on the day of the week.  I had left suburbia and entered a city where I could sort of see my entire future unfolding.  TheRead More

It was my second date with a guy who I had met on Tumblr. You read that correctly; we did not meet on Tinder, a pseudo-dating app designed to facilitate smash sessions between willing parties, but on Tumblr, a blogging site that I used almost exclusively to reblog pictures of Batman , rappers, and cute animals. Was meeting someone I’d met off the internet, and not even a dating website, the sketchiest thing I’d done up until that point? Not even close. Besides, he was really cute (at least fromRead More

Record 16: Torrance, CA, Tuesday, July 5th, 2011. Night. I’m not going to tell you that I like what I do. I do what I do because when I do it I don’t do it poorly. So what is IT? Let’s break IT down: (note: I’m using numbers instead of letters for arbitrary reasons that I don’t feel like explaining because I write for free and explaining arbitrary reasons defeats the arbitrariness of those reasons). 1. I have sex with old women. Not older women. OLD women. 2. I don’tRead More

It was one of those nights that the busy burrito place down the street makes you alter your seating arrangement three times. From a table that could seat eight, to the end of another wobbly legged one, to finally suggesting a back-corner table by the bathroom door. We made clumsy eye contact with those who entered the bathroom and shut the door facing outwards. Rejecting previous offers for an additional plate for this shared burrito meant that the manner in which I splayed burrito guts out of tortillas couldn’t beRead More

The stories you are about to read are all 100% true. Names, locations, and other identifying characteristics have not been changed to protect the innocent. Namely, because the only innocent person in these scenarios is me.   10. Guy: “I’m not gonna bust inside you, I’m a nice Jewish boy.” Me: *Nopes the fuck out*   9. Guy mumbles something. Me: “What?” Guy: “I’m tired.” Then proceeds to roll over and pass tf out on top of me. In a twin bed. While I am struck with the undeniable andRead More

Record 13: Corona del Mar, Monday July 5th, 2010. Day. The waiter at Ruby’s was chewing gum. It didn’t matter that his outfit was cleanly pressed and perfect fitting. He was chewing gum, and Arendt wasn’t having it. “Just who in the hell. Am I right?” He asked. Or stated. Or maybe both? “You’re always right, Arendt.” I said, wiping sweaty bangs from my forehead, an affectation I’d developed in the 90-degree heat (with 40% humidity). “Rosie, do not placate me.” “I’m not sure you know what that word means.”Read More

It’s our anniversary but I’m experiencing it without you. August 18th marks the day we parted ways; you for a destination that people consider to be a “better place,” and me to a place that I have not found yet. I hope your taste buds are delighting in a huge bowl of ice cream right now because that was our sacred ritual. Honestly, ice cream makes everything better; if only we could be savoring each bite with one another the way we used to do. Our separation was one ofRead More

Record 11: Huntington Beach, Thursday, July 5th, 2012. Day. There is a merman that lives in Huntington Beach. This man is a certified swim instructor. He teaches young children and, occasionally, old men and women the backstroke. He teaches them how to tread water. He provides them with the necessary flotation devices, should they be required (note: flotation devices are not always required. This depends, of course, upon the trainee’s swimming proficiency). This man spends his free time at the beach, donning a golden spandex merman tail. He wears thisRead More

Record 10: Eagle Rock, California, Thursday, July 5th, 2010. Day. The first time I came home, the lights were still on. The living room was desolate and cold, and that’s how I remembered it during the days when my father smoked and told me that sometimes cigarettes aren’t bad for you. “Do you have friends at school?” He’d ask me. I did, and I loved them since we kissed all the time on the monkey bars and on the swings that would break if you swung too high. I stillRead More

Record 9: Glendale, California, Friday July 5th, 2013. Day. For weeks Dax had planned his 4th of July celebration. It was to take place in his new home’s back yard, at approximately 2:00 p.m. He was expecting over 20 guests, mainly colleagues from the printing company he had begun working at a month prior, and whom he had gotten to know over beers and marijuana smoke 2 – 3 times a week. He had been accepted by the clique of nerds almost immediately, it seemed. There was no inquisition asRead More

  Record 6: Silver Lake, California, Tuesday, July 5th, 2011. Day. You start the day at Casbah with a shot of espresso, half a cigarette, and an Adderall. Today, you’re 26, you remember. You’re on the wrong side of 20, and your Facebook friends don’t care what you did last night. Not anymore. The barista is your friend. Her name is Ashby. She knows it’s your birthday. Or maybe she doesn’t. Maybe she’s a bad friend. “You want something else?” She asks you, and you realize you’re standing at theRead More