ramblings Tag

It was a dark and stormy night…no wait.  It was a fucking hot night.  Sticky as fuck!  I was 25.  Cool as cool can be, obviously.  I was meeting my hot-ass girlfriend’s parents for the first time.  Yep.  Yep.  How ya doing?  Nice to meet you.  Blah blah.  Yea I like school.  Bullshit bullshit.  Where can I put my stuff? I had been holding a mean pizza slash hot wing shit in since my afternoon Astronomy class.  So there I was, upstairs in an unfamiliar house, trying to figure outRead More

It’s already been established that the best time to be a kid ever in the history of the universe was the 90’s. Many awesome factors contributed to this, but none quite as sugary as some of the epic treats. Let’s take a moment to remember the deliciousness and be grateful that nobody really cared about whether or not anything was organic back then.   Mondo/Squeezeits It’s hard to say what was more awesome about the Mondo/Squeezeit drinking experience. The cool plastic bottles with the twist-off caps or the fact that youRead More

Record 8: North Hollywood, California, Saturday, July 5th, 2014. Day. Hey man, I’m gonna write you this letter real quick because I have to get back to the warehouse in a few minutes because my dad needs help restocking a buncha breakaway glass. We have to be really careful when we put it up, you know, because it breaks easily and I’ve broken so many of the props before and got grounded for it. That was shitty. My dad made me stay in my room too. He only let meRead More

There was once a time I dabbled in online dating (is it called dabbling if it goes on for 10 months?). During this period in my life I went on dates with total strangers from Tinder, O.K.Cupid, Plenty of Fish- pretty much anything that could lead to a free dinner. Anyway, during the summer of 2013, I was casually dating a man named Sam. Sam was older than me, had lived in cool places, prided himself on being a great chef, and was a former military man. Sam invited meRead More

I’ve been traveling a lot recently. I’ve been visiting friends and going to weddings and generally enjoyed a packed social schedule that has been more hectic than normal. I’m not complaining; it was sweet. The traveling has eaten into my writing schedule though so I’ve been a little M.I.A. here (Sorry Ascher!) Good thing for you though, dear readers, is that traveling stirs the soul and fosters creativity. Some of the great writers in the world found their masterpieces either On the Road (sorry everyone else for that pun) orRead More

Record 7: Palo Alto, CA, Thursday, July 5th, 2012. Day. I’m sitting alone in my apartment, on the Ikea futon. I’m staring into my laptop, typing 1s and 0s like the rest of my 20-something dude friends. This calms me. I lose focus and realize it’s been weeks since Hadley: the girl that no one but me will ever love. She used to sleep next to me with her hands on my waist, her ribcage pressed flat against my back. In the mornings we’d stay in bed and smoke cigarettesRead More

Unless your childhood was a mundane mix of mild manners and perfect parenting you probably read the infamous, Alexander and The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorsts, somewhere between wetting the bed and fourth grade.  I could delve into details of the prizes his brothers found in their cereal bowls that morning and what Alexander found instead,(nothing), but from the title the underlying nature of the story is apparent.  As adults without bed times and with the ability to buy ourselves a cookie, we at leastRead More

Middle grounds and in-betweens—where boundaries are blurred, expectations are muddled, and nothing is really satisfied. Let’s start with the basics.   2% milk: it doesn’t have the creaminess of whole milk, but it isn’t the health conscious choice of skim milk. Diet soda: it’s ultimately still soda, and by default unhealthy. But it tries to compromise with a lower calorie count and a poser for sugar? B’s: the mutant hybrid between effort and indifference—the love child of half-heartedness. With just a step further in effort, there was the potential toRead More

I started working in my first real world job three months ago, and quickly became friends with the only other 20-something in our side of the office, Ceara, who is one of the coolest girls I’ve ever met. She recently got offered a job teaching theater at a school just down the street from her, and I honestly couldn’t be more excited for her – it’s a great opportunity. However, I did go through a couple stages of being less than thrilled. After all, the person I was closest to atRead More

I’ve seen a lot of articles recently regarding ‘rape culture,’ and while many of them are poignant, thought provoking pieces that really contribute to the cause of stopping said rape culture, there are several articles out there that take the term to the extreme, making women out to be victimized. In my opinion, this further propagates rape culture by taking arguments and pushing them to extremes. So I made a handy list, which in my opinion, outlines some of the topics that help call out and end rape culture, andRead More

In honor of father’s day this past weekend, I spent some time reflecting on the invaluable lessons you have taught me in a quarter century.  You have owned some version of a beard or a mustache for nearly my whole life, which admittedly and Freudian-ly may be why I am only attracted to men with some sort of facial fur.  You posses the innate ability to tell a joke with such sincerity that you gain instant belief from your victims.  You have never been known to turn down a drink with the onesRead More

  Record 5: Venice, California, Sunday July 5th, 2009. Day. So like Reed and I got to the Whaler a few hours (yeah, fucking hours) before his mom even called us. She texted me earlier, which seems weird, but she always texts me when Reed doesn’t answer his phone or leaves it on silent. Her text said: TELL MY SON TO TEXT ME K? So I told Reed to text her a few hours later when he woke up. It was around 1:35 in the afternoon. I remember because IRead More

Allyson came to visit Kelsey in good old SL,UT for a weekend of sisterly bonding and brawling,  this time sans bearded boyfriends that drive like 80 year old ladies.  What follows is a collaborative account between sisters.   We arrived in Salt Lake at the Howard Johnson Express Inn with low expectations. This was fortunate because our hotel looked like an abandoned building with resident roaches and rodents. The HJ was rough and good-enough, but nothing more if we were to be honest with ourselves. Our first room was streetRead More

  Record 4: Pasadena, Thursday, July 5th, 2014. Day. I’m at the Pie ‘n Burger again. I’m drinking coffee at the bar. I’m thinking about Shia LaBeouf. I’m thinking about how I really used to love Even Stevens when I was a kid. I was a kid before I was an unemployed 27-year-old vagabond-dude who still wears jeans that aren’t too-tight. Then I wonder what it’d be like to wear a brown paper bag on my head with a cool statement penned in Sharpie. I could be like new-Shia, circaRead More

As I walked into lecture today, to my surprise, I noticed that my professor, who is regarded so highly in the world of academia, decided to use Comic Sans on the lecture slides. Believe me, it took every ounce of self-control within me to not walk right out then and there. Professor, I respect you immensely as an intellect, and you are far more learned that I may ever be. However, let me tell you exactly why I can’t take you seriously with Comic Sans: Some may say Comic SansRead More