Record 23: San Diego. Friday, July 5th, 2013. Day. There was a jacuzzi at the bed and breakfast that no one used. It sat in its faux-plastic glory beneath a stained red awning, shriveled and crusted from rainfall and neglect. The water was the coolest blue you could imagine. Like 5 star hotel swimming pools. You could see to the bottom without debris clouding your vision, or obstructing your view in any way. That’s what Maddie thought. That’s what Maddie told Cool Josh the night before the wedding, in
Read MoreDear Mommy, I’m sorry I don’t write more often, but it’s difficult to put a pen to paper or tap the keys on my laptop at times when I think of you. It’s almost Christmas and that was always your favorite holiday. You decorated the house the day after Halloween before disregarding Thanksgiving went mainstream. You were always ahead of the trends. This will be the third Christmas without you, but the first one that I’ll say out loud, “Mommy’s not coming back.” I thought about you today.
Read MoreLunch Break Blah Blah Blah Change. I notice some loose conversation going on near me. I look up from my tuna salad sandwich that I brought with me for my short lunch break to a harsh realization – it’s almost 2015. This is around the time people start to reflect on the year that they have just survived. It’s around the time where people begin to point out the failures of the past twelve months, usually while cradling a bottle of vodka and sobbing to the music of Marvin
Read MoreDear Shitty Parents, I know this is not a polite way to start off a letter, but who the fuck do you think you are? There is not enough coffee in the world to protect me from your OC superiority complex. I know I smile a lot. And yes, I’m pretty damn good at making the Children’s Department look like Disneyland. However, I did not think it was endearing that you referred to me as a “super nanny.” I am a stressed out twenty-something trying to make some money while
Read MoreIt happened. The best night of the year, in my opinion – the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. I haven’t missed a show since I was 15 and now beautiful things such as DVR and smart phones allow me to watch the entirety of display of perfection at my own convenience. If my assumptions are correct, it would be safe to say that more girls are excited to watch 47 models display breathtaking beauty than most men. I’ll admit it. I’m more excited than most of my guy friends. These
Read MoreAll men everywhere, I am certain, have wondered at least once what their underwear choice says about them. And let’s not disregard the neurotic women of the Millennial generation that Google-search this exact title moments after Paul, or Greg, or Jeff with the butt-chin has left her sexed sheets on a Sunday morning. Mark Twain insists that one should “write what you know.” After years of observations, demonstrations, and ruminations of friends, landlords, brothers, and a significant others of the straight and semi-straight variety and their chonies I feel confident
Read MoreI never did grasp the entire concept of letting go. Timing the release of a perfect hug is difficult for me at times. Relinquishing control isn’t my problem, it’s the fear of not knowing that gets to me. According to the multiple self-help books and articles I’ve read, the minute we let go of the attachment to what we really want, it appears in our life. In order to better myself, I need to let go instead of searching to add something. At the last wedding I attended, I
Read MoreRecord 22: Palm Springs, Thursday, July 5th, 2012. Day. Jake and his bro Ajax rode golf carts on the casino’s course every Thursday at 8pm. They never played golf. Casino and hotel patrons would often ask: “why?” The question was a fair one, says this guy here. Jake and Ajax, they didn’t like to respond to any such inquisition. Instead, they’d glare at the casino and hotel patrons from the casino and hotel bar, and when perturbed by dyspeptic tourists or slot-addicted regulars, they’d ask: “What are you doing in
Read MoreIt was one of those classic San Francisco mornings. In other words, I was hungover and there were homeless men sleeping outside my 6-floor building downtown. I liked where I lived. It was “different.” Moreover, it was my first studio apartment and when I lifted my murphy bed back into the wall, I could dance in my underwear by myself or with a special friend, depending on the day of the week. I had left suburbia and entered a city where I could sort of see my entire future unfolding. The
Read MoreThe holiday season is upon us! Rejoice! It’s the most wonderful time of the year, full of good times with family, friends, and credit card debt. While the holidays are wonderful, they do present their own set of challenges. Here are some typical trying scenarios and some creative solutions to help you successfully navigate the holiday season. Scenario One: Your Aunt Cathy is convinced she has a gluten allergy. Unfortunately, Cathy hosts Thanksgiving every year. She plans on subjecting your entire family to a gluten-free Thanksgiving dinner, with
Read MoreShe grabs your shoulders from behind, in a back-hug and shakes you around like a my-sized, standing shake and bake…also how you’re not supposed to shake a newborn baby. “Look at you! You’re amazing!” She says to your reflection that stares from an abandoned and mirrored headboard on the sidewalk that you’re sure has witnessed a night or eighty of raunchy sex. You tell her you may cry because you’re hungry and tears are your undue reaction to low blood sugar. You try not to for the sake of the
Read MoreWe said good-bye, or at least we just stopped talking. It seems that how most modern-day love stories start their end. I thought I loved you, but I really didn’t like you. You portrayed a collected façade that only hid shattered pieces that no one really knew how to mend together. I believed things would get better sooner than later, but I think the lies to myself got the best of me. It took time to realize the damage that you created and the sorrow that you lived through.
Read MoreI first met my former roommate’s pet parakeet when I came home late from work one night. I entered my apartment sometime around midnight to the sound of birds chirping like I was in a goddamn rain forest, a fully-lit kitchen/living room area, and a tiny blue and yellow avian fella perched in a cage placed atop a table. He was chirping and staring at me, blinking expectantly. My roommate had already gone to bed, so I was unsure of how to proceed re: introducing myself to the newest addition
Read MoreFor my Firefighter, who already proved he can. Could you love a cancer patient despite my burdened health? Can you provide the love and care that my heart has never felt? Are you ready for hours spent at the hospital waiting, for news you don’t know if you’ll be loving or hating? Do you have the patience for the brain fog I possess? Or the ability to smile through my CAT scans, nonetheless? Will you research conditions I’ll develop over time, and learn the medical jargon the specialists love to
Read MoreWhere I come from, and in many small-town parts of the country, high school coaches are the most respected and revered public figures in the neighborhood. Growing up, I kind of accepted this and even bought into it a little bit. It’s not until you get older and have the benefits of real life experience and hindsight that you realize how absolutely bonkers this is. I mean, watch TV for 20 minutes on a Saturday and you’ll realize that people who coach football (and most popular sports) are, for the
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