Posted On October 30, 2014 By In Sports, Sports Takes

Midseason NFL Power Rankings…In Haiku Form

 
 

Like many other sports writers, I have ranked all 32 teams in the NFL at the midpoint of the season. Unlike any of them, I have written a haiku to sum up each team’s season. I think it’s the most effective way.

Let’s get started.

#32 – Oakland Raiders

No playoffs forever

This year is no different

Will they win one game?

Screen Shot 2014-10-29 at 7.37.18 PM

 

#31 – New York Jets

When Michael Vick is

Your team’s best shot at winning

You must really suck

Screen Shot 2014-10-29 at 7.39.56 PM

 

#30 – Jacksonville Jaguars

Congrats Jaguars fans!

You actually won a game!

Who saw that coming?

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#29 – Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Remind me again

How in the hell Tampa Bay

Won that game in Pitt?

Screen Shot 2014-10-29 at 7.45.14 PM

 

#28 – Tennessee Titans

When your quarterback

Loves taking selfies, he is

Not the right answer

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#27 – Atlanta Falcons

Do you remember

When the Falcons were scary?

Matt Ryan does not.

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#26 – Minnesota Vikings

At least the Vikings

Can beat other teams that are

Really terrible.

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#25 – St. Louis Rams

They beat the Seahawks

So maybe the Rams have one

happy memory.

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#24 – Chicago Bears

Is there any team

That should be trusted less than

The Chicago Bears?

Screen Shot 2014-10-29 at 7.59.15 PM

 

#23 – Washington Redskins

Who knew that the ‘Skins

Best quarterback was a guy

The BROWNS didn’t want.

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#22 – Cleveland Browns

Who cares what you’ve done?

When you lose to Jacksonville

You can’t be that good.

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#21 – New York Giants

Does anyone know

Whether this football team is

Good or terrible?

Screen Shot 2014-10-29 at 8.05.56 PM

 

#20 – Carolina Panthers

The Panthers also

Could be good or really bad.

Only time will tell.

Screen Shot 2014-10-29 at 8.08.09 PM

 

#19 – Houston Texans

Is there any man

On this planet who could stop

J.J. Freaking Watt?

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#18 – Miami Dolphins

Ryan Tannehill

Has not convinced me that he

Is slightly decent.

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#17 – New Orleans Saints

The Saints will be fine

Because nobody wants to

Win this division.

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#16 – Buffalo Bills

Sammy Watkins might

Give Bills fans some shred of hope

For one time ever.

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#15 – Baltimore Ravens

With Ray Rice shipped out

Justin Forsett has become

Shockingly decent.

Screen Shot 2014-10-29 at 8.21.40 PM

 

#14 – Kansas City Chiefs

The Chiefs are good, but

They must hope for a Wild Card

To make the Playoffs.

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#13 – Pittsburgh Steelers

Ben Roethlisberger

Is simply not going to

Replicate that game.

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#12 – Cincinnati Bengals

They’ve looked really good

They’ve looked incredibly bad

Who are the Bengals?

Screen Shot 2014-10-29 at 8.28.03 PM

 

#11 – San Francisco 49ers

Do you remember 

When San Francisco had a 

Defense worth fearing?

Screen Shot 2014-10-29 at 8.31.39 PM

 

#10 – Seattle Seahawks

Is anyone scared

Of the Seahawks at this point?

Too much dysfunction.

Screen Shot 2014-10-29 at 8.34.50 PM

 

#9 – San Diego Chargers

The Chargers have lots

Of injuries that might be

Catching up to them.

Screen Shot 2014-10-29 at 8.37.53 PM

 

#8 – Green Bay Packers

That loss to the Saints

Was rough, but Aaron Rodgers

Will fix everything.

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#7 – Indianapolis Colts

So much for the Colts

Defense being really good

But Luck is still Luck.

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#6 – Detroit Lions

This is probably

Far too high for a team that

just played like they did.

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#5 – New England Patriots

Does beating Cincy

And a godawful Bears team

Count as good these days?

Screen Shot 2014-10-29 at 8.45.57 PM

 

#4 – Philadelphia Eagles

The Eagles have lost

Two games by a total of

Just nine points combined.

Screen Shot 2014-10-29 at 8.48.00 PM

 

#3 – Dallas Cowboys

If Romo is fine

The Cowboys are still likely

To keep impressing.

Screen Shot 2014-10-29 at 8.50.00 PM

 

#2 – Arizona Cardinals

Nobody saw the

Cardinals being this good

But they keep winning.

Screen Shot 2014-10-29 at 8.51.40 PM

 

#1 – Denver Broncos

Peyton Manning. Pey-

-Ton Manning. Peyton Manning.

Peyton Manning. Yeah.

Screen Shot 2014-10-29 at 8.54.18 PM

 

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Ascher Robbins is the Founder, CEO, and Editor-In-Chief at Writtalin. He is a proud UCSB graduate and Vail, Colorado native. Ascher started Writtalin to get rich and famous, but so far, he is neither of those things. He is, however, a pretty alright dude. You can email Ascher at: ascher@writtalin.com

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