Every year since the invention of this religious-esque sport, hundreds of thousands of billions of men and women of all races and ages take part in what is known as Fantasy Football. This lifestyle, or as the less-than-average American would call it “hobby”, brings more happiness to it’s players than any rich alcoholic alum financially supporting Alumni Weekend and “Free Adderall” buckets during Finals week could ever bring, combined. But, when emotions are this high, they also have the potential to run heroin-withdrawal low. More often than not, this need for fantasy excitement leads to what some would call an addiction, an addiction just as powerful as any.
Here are 9 examples of its drug addiction equivalency:
When you pay for it, you always become more attached.
Remember that first time in Vegas when you took a small bump of cocaine in an overpriced hotel room? Well if you do, you’d remember that it was for free, thanks to your wealthy friend who grew up watching Scarface one too many times, but the second you got a bit older and more experienced you began throwing wads of cash at the powder in order to get the higher quality shit. Just how your fantasy league started out unpaid with a few friends from childhood, it soon expanded to only the best of the best, with all the guys dishing out $100 bucks or more a year to be apart of this fortunate secret brotherhood.
You never know what you’re going to get.
Depending on certain factors, it could be the best day of your week, or the absolute fucking worst day of your life, bar none. Just like those Shrooms you ate on Saturday, which ideally were going to take you into another realm full of fluffy puppies surfing on relaxing waves, but instead turned into the darkest soulless hell in which even Kate Upton would freak you the fuck out. Fantasy Football is completely random, you will see crushing victories by 50, having you feel like a powerful god drowning in fantasy football pussy, or a traumatizing, yet humbling 60-point loss. Thus comes the term, Any Given Sunday.
Around certain people, it’s all you will talk about.
When my friends first started smoking weed, they would sit around and talk about it, and talk about it, and talk a little more about it. Being high, how baked they were, their thoughts on popcorn, when they could toke up next, how to smoke it, about growing it, the strains, everything and anything, but it all revolved around that whore, Mary Jane. Just like when fantasy football is first introduced into your cranium and wipes all other knowledge out in order to make more room for NFL statistics and inside information. Who to play and why, how you will draft this year based off of the new league changes on scoring and how you are clearly right seeing as you know a back up kicker on the Jaguars who saw some shit at practice.
You wait all year for the season to begin.
Harvest season that is! Pot is the greenest and dankest around certain times of the year, and this is any weed connoisseurs heavenly time frame. Before that, all the weed is last years stanky stank, but once harvest begins, all that goes out the window for the New Year! You can try and watch any other sport, or play any other fantasy sport (Fantasy Basketball and Baseball suck, stop lying to yourself) everybody knows nothing compares to Fantasy Football. The joyfulness of participating in a Fantasy Football Draft with your friends in a beer filled room could have turned Hitler into someone as loving and caring as Santa Clause.
Every week, you get your fix.
You spend every single day of the week mindlessly looking at your lineup. It doesn’t change, but the fact that it is there and will pay off come Sunday, keeps you entertained enough. Just like that photo your friend once sent you of a pound of sticky icky, ounce of Columbian bam bam and six bottles of tequila for your bros weekend up in Tahoe. It’s the thought that counts, and you’ll go back to that photo salivating all week until you finally see it come to play in the weekend.
Emotions can easily run too high and get out of hand.
Everybody has been, or hopefully seen that drunk guy crying to his best friends about how much he loves them, while constantly hugging and going for neck kisses. On the contrary, you’ve seen the same guy become erratic and violent, throwing punches or chairs due to a few shots too many of Mr Jose Cuervo. Fantasy Football has driven me to insane places before as well. My mother has witnessed me punch couches, toss pillows at the TV, smash my head on the coffee table, and scream awful words that this innocent woman should never hear her child say, all in the name of fantasy football. I think I even kicked my dog once. Oops.
Nobody understands the euphoric feeling you get.
It is always easy to tell a heroine addict that sticking a needle in his arm is unhealthy, dangerous and a great way to end up dead (what ever happened to Phillip Seymour Hoffman? Did he just stop acting?). Yet they always seem to explain the magnificent feeling they get when it’s flowing through their veins, like nothing could stop you. And do I try heroine? Fuck no. But I definitely can’t say I understand that feeling, because I have never tried. When you win the championship game due to you opponents Defense getting NEGATIVE FUCKING POINTS, you are also put on some level of heaven. Nobody can understand that feeling, and if they pretend to know how amazing that feeling is, they are damn liars. It’s the best! THE. FUCKING. BEST.
They have professionals to help you.
Intervention was a show that took everybody by storm by its ground breaking entertainment and shock value. We also see shiny bald headed men like Dr. Phil discuss with addicts in order to sort their lives out. On the fantasy side, we are lucky enough to also have a shiny bald headed man, Matthew Berry, our educated doctor of fantasy football, who can be seen on television or read on the internet through his articles weekly on ESPN letting us know who he “Hates/Loves” for the week. This man is PAID to talk about FANTASY sports. Not to mention, he hangs out with straight ballas, just check the picture. That’s Jay Z. He is a white bald dude that talks about fantasy sports and he hangs out with JAY FUGGIN Z. He’s the peoples knight in shining armor. But he is my hero.
It is the focus in some of the most popular shows on TV.
Do I even have to mention how popular drug addictions have been in popular culture? FX has killed it with their show The League where many Americans can empathize and relate to each of the characters and situations through fantasy addiction. On the other side we see shows such as Breaking Bad on AMC or The Wire on HBO, which deal with drugs and the addiction that plagues their business and customers they deal with on each episode.