Posted On July 7, 2014 By In Buzzworthy, The Scene

USA Knocked Out of World Cup: Still #1

 
 

If any of you have been trying to watch real sports on ESPN recently, you may have seen that the United States Men’s Soccer team was eliminated from this World Wide European and South American soccer tournament known as the World Cup. Despite making it further than much of the world expected, the Yanks could not prevail over the world’s leading waffle maker. This comes to no surprise because historically America has not been the best at soccer , football, futbol, or whatever the heck it is called.

America may not dominate the pitch, however there is no lack of national pride here in The States. Here are few things to remind the world that The United States of America is still the greatest nation on God’s green, yet slowly browning, earth.

USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

 

Prescription Drugs

Some may think, “OMG that a terrible thing to be number 1 in.” I disagree. Being way too easy to walk into a doctors office and obtain controlled substances, is one of the reasons I am proud to be an American. How the hell else would I be able to write this article if I didn’t have my Adderall?

 

Eating Disorders

Now here is something to really be proud of! It looks like Kate Moss has really hit home with fellow Americans. America, being the fatass nation that it is, could use some more people with eating disorders. Sadly, many of these people who have the disorders are the ones who are just self conscious and do not actually need to lose weight. Let’s just hope the eating disorder fad will spread to Honey Boo Boo and the rest of the South very soon.

 

Largest Prison Population

We can view this as the U.S. being really good at locking up people who are a danger to society. OR we can see it as the U.S. being really bad at determining what crimes constitute a prison sentence. Either way, we are number one so..BOOYAH!

Ok…… But on a serious note:

 

Gross Domestic Product

For those of you who didn’t get a degree in something that matters, Gross Domestic Product (GDP) is a measure of economic activity. I know this because I just looked it up on Wikipedia. The United States has consistently had the largest GDP since the earth was created in 1776.

 

Olympic Gold Medals

1072 Gold Medals. 2681 total Medals. We blow all other countries out of the water in athletic events that don’t involve faking an injury. The only reason the USSR is even close is because during the Cold War, they spent more time training Olympic athletes than trying to keep that wall from falling down.

 

Largest Number of Immigrants

Despite all the messed up problems America may have, it seems like people must like it here. Having the largest immigrant population, proves that people are leaving whatever shitty country they’re in to come here.

 

Top Universities

According to the Guardian, a British newspaper, “46 of the top 100 places are taken by an American university and seven of these are in the top ten.” There are many studies that show the American education system has gone to shit, but as far as ranking the top Universities the United States is once again, NUMBER 1!!!

and how can we forget……

 

BACK TO BACK WORLD WAR CHAMPS

Suck it, Germany.

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Anthony is a graduate of UCSB who spends most of his waking hours working as an accountant and trying to find a better career path. On the weekend he studies for upcoming CPA exams he hopes to one day pass, but usually gets distracted and writes articles like the one you just read skimmed. He is very critical of the world, however does not judge people’s decisions unless it comes to consuming calories.

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