If someone asked you what your favorite month was, you wouldn’t say May. You just wouldn’t. Unless you were born in May and are one of those people who thinks your birthday is bigger than Jesus’s, chances are your favorite time of year is around the winter holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s…they’re great. But then what? Valentine’s Day stretches the holiday season out a little bit for some people but not everyone. However, it is a common misconception that in between Winter and Summer is a holiday-void lull. Did you know that there is literally (and I take that adverb seriously) a holiday every single day? Every damn day. Even in May.
Listed below are ten of the most noteworthy holidays this month. Celebrate at your own risk.
May 2: No Pants Day
Ah, what better way to celebrate the first Friday of May? No Pants Day is not to be confused with the worldwide No Pants Subway Ride. Oh no, no, no. No Pants Day is so much more. It’s No Pants While You Eat Pizza Day. No Pants While You Check Your Mail Day. It’s No Pants ALL Day. Ya dig? There are a couple ways you can celebrate this extraordinary holiday. 1) You can wear a dress. Boys: No, you can’t. 2) You can wear a shirt sans pants. Important: Shall you choose option 2 at the workplace, I take no responsibility for your termination.
May 4: Petite and Proud Day
For all you cuties under 5’5, this holiday is for you. Let’s be honest, ya’ll deserve this 24-hour celebration. Not only can you squeeze into tiny spaces, but you never ever hit your head on the ceiling. This warrants some recognition. Celebrate your body today by splurging at the kids section at your favorite department store. Vertically challenged celebrities you might run into at a P&P Party: Amy Poehler, Seth Green, Natalie Portman, and that short dude from Game of Thrones.
May 7: Great American Grump Out
April from Parks and Recreation despises this holiday but it’s for the greater good, I promise. On the first Wednesday of May, kindly tell your grumpy friends/neighbors/housemates to shut the fuck up and to refrain themselves from sneering, complaining, and frowning. Why? Because it’s Great American Grump Out Day! Smile! I mean, is it really that hard to be pleasant? Kinda. Nonetheless, the 7th is all about abstaining from grumpiness for 24 hours. If you need to eat a jar of cookie butter to get through it, that’s sad but I’ll allow it.
May 8: No Socks Day
Also known as Foot Fetishists Lucky Day, this holiday will be an exciting time for those of you who have no matching pairs of socks because your dryer is a dick. Today you are relieved of the anxiety that comes with a morning spent trying to find two pairs of identical stockings. Use those five extra minutes to treat yourself however you’d like. Ideas: Savor a bar of dark chocolate, online shop, or get a quickie Chinatown massage.
May 11: Eat What You Want Day
Ignore the skinny bitch in your ear and pretend you’re carbo-loading for an imaginary half-marathon. Need I say more? No, but I will. With every holiday comes the unspoken but undeniable free-pass that grants one to eat a little (or a lot) on the naughty side. Guilt-free. Today is that day, but on crack. It’s your friend’s friend’s birthday? Well then, pass me the cake and keep it comin’.
May 16: National Pizza Party Day
Everybody loves pizza. Pizza will not betray you. It will not cheat, lie, or steal. And rest assured, it does not discriminate. Pizza is happiness and it can have its own day if it wants to. Celebrate in a generous way by bringing pizza to work. Just make sure you bring more than one slice. I’ll take cheese, please. If you don’t like your coworkers, celebrate today by making your own gourmet pizza or visit your favorite restaurant and order…pizza.
May 18: Neighbor Day
It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor. Would you be mine? Could you be mine? Despite the fact that Mr. Rogers was creepy as shit, today doesn’t have to be. Maybe you’re like me and don’t know anyone who lives in your ‘hood, in which case today would be the perfect day to bring Mr. and Mrs. Minivan In The Driveway some baked goods. You could also wave “hello” to the lady walking her dog or turn your Honda Civic into a compact Ice Cream Truck.
May 21: I Need a Patch for That Day
Ahhh, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve said, “I need a patch for that”, I’d be broke. If you’re wondering what patch this holiday is referring to, let me drop some unnecessary knowledge on you. May 21st is a celebratory day for every single patch that you can imagine: pirate eye patch, nicotine patch, software patch, patchwork quilts. The list goes on, my friends. However, what we really need is a patch for the 21st because this holiday is ridiculous. Stop trying to make patch happen, May. It’s not going to happen.
May 25: Geek/Nerd/Dork Pride Day
Why is May 25th Geek Pride Day? Maybe because it’s the anniversary of the first Star Wars movie. Of course, you already knew that because you’re a nerd. On Sunday the 25th, let your freak flag fly extra high. You could celebrate by carrying a lightsaber to work or by playing whatever those video games are that you nerds love so much. For non-geeks who want to participate, simply learn a new geeky skill, such as: figure out what LARP stands for, solve a Rubix cube, or learn how to speak Elvish.
May 28: World MS Day
Pay attention to this one. Multiple sclerosis (MS) is an unpredictable, often disabling disease of the central nervous system that attacks the spinal cord and disrupts the flow of information between the brain and body. In my mom’s case, she woke up one day and couldn’t feel anything from the waist down. The cause? Nobody has a clue. Yet. Show your support for a cure by raising awareness or getting involved. Sign up today for an MS Walk, Run, or Bike Ride at NationalMSSociety.org. You’re awesome.
By the way, did I mention that May is National Egg Month? Bet ya didn’t know that. Get informed on all the bizarre holidays in May by visiting BrownieLocks.com. You’re welcome.