Holiday Survival Guide

The holiday season is upon us! Rejoice! It’s the most wonderful time of the year, full of good times with family, friends, and credit card debt. While the holidays are wonderful, they do present their own set of challenges. Here are some typical trying scenarios and some creative solutions to help you successfully navigate the holiday season.

Scenario One: Your Aunt Cathy is convinced she has a gluten allergy. Unfortunately, Cathy hosts Thanksgiving every year. She plans on subjecting your entire family to a gluten-free Thanksgiving dinner, with quinoa stuffing instead of regular, good stuffing, and kale salad instead of biscuits. You overheard her tell your mom on the phone not to make her famous pumpkin pie because she’s having chia seed pudding for dessert.

Survival Solution: Arrive at Aunt Cathy’s house early to “help.” Then murder her.

Scenario Two: You foolishly decided to make your friends and family presents this year after a particularly enjoyable twelve hour Pinterest session. You spent over a hundred dollars on supplies and all you have to show for it are a bunch of cotton balls covered in glitter glue and mason jars that you don’t even remember buying. You’re suspicious that these mason jars just appear whenever you go on Pinterest. They may very well be figments of your imagination.

Survival Solution: Throw your glitter cotton ball crap out. Go to the store and buy two boxes of hot coco mix and some marshmallows. Pour them into plastic bags and tie the bags off with ribbon (or yarn if you’re really hard up). Call them “Hot Coco Kits” and give them as gifts, pretending the coco is Ghirardelli and not store brand. Also, make an appointment with a Mental Health specialist because you’re hallucinating mason jars due to your severe Pinterest addiction.

Scenario Three: The weather outside is frightful, so you’re stuck inside with the extended family. Your stupid cousin Billy thought it’d be a good time to spill the beans and tell his younger brother Alex that Santa Claus isn’t real. Alex is inconsolable, screaming, crying, and accusing your entire family of being liars.

Survival Solution: Pull Alex aside and tell him you have a secret. Then, tell him that Santa is real and anyone who tells him otherwise is merely a victim of brainwashing by the Devil. Then give him a cookie and some milk laced with Nyquil and enjoy the rest of your evening.

Scenario Four: You’re single, but somehow all of these ogres you’re social media friends with are in relationships. Apparently, holidays are their favorite time to flaunt this fun fact all over your Facebook page. If you see one more picture of a couple kissing in front of a Christmas tree you’re going to throw your computer into the fire with the roasting chestnuts.

Survival Solution: Begin commenting on all of these photos things like “It’s too bad I’m so alone” and “It’s a good thing I have self love because no one else loves me.” Sprinkle in some mopey statuses while you’re at it. It will discourage social media friends from posting such pictures and also make them as uncomfortable as they make everyone else! Or they’ll just block you. It’s really a win either way.

Scenario Five: You can’t decide what to do for New Years Eve.

Survival Solution: Don’t. Do. Anything. Stay in, order Chinese, and watch 200 Cigarettes. New Years is one of those holidays that everyone puts so much pressure on having a good time that the night always turns out to be a disaster. Someone (usually you) is always drinking too much and passing out or puking and crying about having no one to kiss. Then you wake up on New Years day with a horrific hangover, a slew of shiny new regrets, and a few idealistic resolutions that you’re bound to fall short of achieving. Then next New Years you’ll remember that last New Years sucked and try to make sure this year is better and, as a result, put way too much pressure on having a good time. Then you’ll realize you failed miserably at one (all) of your resolutions and drown your sorrows in cheap champagne and vodka and get too drunk and pass out and…see? It’s a vicious cycle.

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