Look, I know I’m a writer on the internet, but sometimes I just hate the internet. Sometimes it just makes me want to kill myself and rip all my hair out at the roots. I’ve compiled a list of things I hate that you really only see on the internet, maybe to release some of my frustration. Or to make me really focused on how aggravating my non-problems are. It could go either way.
1. Click bait-y headlines
Did I just use a click bait-y headline? Yes. Do they still annoy the heck out of me? Also yes. It’s just like, semi-dishonest to act like every single piece of information is life-changing and epic. Not to mention, I can’t scroll through my news feed without feeling like I’m walking through the perfume aisle at a department store. “Try this!” “Read this!” “Life hacks that will change your life!” Ugh, leave me alone.
2. “I only used rap lyrics on Tinder and here’s what happened.”
Like…cool. You jumped on that bandwagon a million other people have been riding for the past year and a half, at least. Tell me more about how ~*funny*~ and ~*quirky*~ and ~*original*~ you are.
3. “…And her reaction is priceless.”
I hate this phrase. I hate it so much! Not only is it the most cliche and over-used phrase on the internet, it doesn’t even really make sense. When would you ever pay to see someone’s reaction? You wouldn’t. You’re saying you can’t put a price on something no one would ever put a price on. So…??? Every single reaction can’t be priceless. Just calm down. While we’re at it, we also need to chill with “…and hilarity ensues.”
Oh my god, that happened over a week ago. That’s like an eternity in internet time! Yet somehow people are still talking about it. It’s white and gold and blue and black, yeah, it was crazy for a day. Can we move on now? There are like, dogs and pigs becoming friends out there! Why are we giving this one dress so much attention?
5. Overly generalized list-icles
I shit you not when I tell you that I read a listicle headlined, “9 Things Only People Who Like Sleeping Understand.” Last time I checked, every single person on this planet enjoys sleeping at least at some point in their life. This just made me so unreasonably angry. I’m going to write an article called “10 Things Only People Who Breathe Understand,” because this is just getting SO out of hand.
That’s all for now. Time for me to get off the internet and enjoy the gift of life. Maybe I’ll go watch TV.