Posted On May 5, 2014 By In Buzzworthy, The Scene

22 Reasons You’re Not Ready To Be 23

 
 
  1. There’s no way Taylor Swift’s song doesn’t apply to you anymore. I don’t know about you, but I’m not feeling 23.
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  2. Student loans are due, so you decided to opt for the Income Based Payment system. Your income is $0. You can’t be 23.
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  3. You still go back to your college town twice a month because it was the greatest place of your life and you’re texting and driving along the way, you don’t know why you’re doing it, but you’re doing it AND YOU CAN’T BE 23 YET.
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  4. Then you realize, last year you made fun of all the 23 year old post-grads who kept coming back to visit on the weekends. “Why would they even come here? Don’t they have a life?” You’re going to be 23 and you don’t have a life.
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  5. When your Mom says on the phone, “Well I mean I’m assuming you aren’t drinking as much anymore…” you laugh and then after a long silence say, “Why would you think that?” You can still drink when you’re 23 right? RIGHT?
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  6. You still have all the posters from your college house up in your apartment. When people come by they say “it still has the college feel.” And you smile, despite the fact you have no friends. There’s no way you’re 23.
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  7. Last time you went home your brother told you you were gonna have to grow up and probably find a job that isn’t really what you want out of life. It brought a tear to your eye. 23-year olds don’t cry this easily.
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  8. Over Christmas when your entire high school was at the bar, you got so drunk you forgot you hated everyone and silenced your phone to ignore your mom and then she locked you out of the house, but you thought it was hilarious. 23-year olds listen to their mother.
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  9. Jennifer Lawrence is 23. She’s won an Academy Award. You haven’t gotten out of bed today. You can’t be 23.
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  10. You tell people you have 4 jobs, when you really have 4 internships. It’s called omitting the truth, but you’re not sure if 23-year olds are legally allowed to do that.
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  11. You didn’t get anyone a Christmas present this year because you’re broke, but you said, “Definitely next year!” And you can’t say that again when you’re 23. You’re screwed.
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  12. Someone just invited you to a dinner party and you asked if you could bring Fireball. They politely declined. You brought it anyway and no one over 22 drank it.
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  13. The kid whose diapers you used to change just followed you on Instagram and you actually vomited in your mouth. 23-year olds can at least control their upchuck reflex.
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  14. The reason you’re actually upset about turning 23 is because it just doesn’t sound as fun. Threes are so boring! You can’t explain it, but they are. Here’s the thing, 23-year olds can at least explain themselves.
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  15. You’ve been singing “What’s My Age Again?” all these years, and now you finally understand it, but you don’t want to understand it. So you tell people, you don’t really understand it.
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  16. And now you’re realizing your sister had a baby when she was 23. If you had a baby right now, you’d make it watch Bob’s Burgers and scream at it for not laughing at all the same jokes.
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  17. You got carded last night and you actually got scared because you forgot how old you were. Oh my god can I be here? Then the bartender smiled. What a relief! “Being 21 is great!” Wait now he looks confused. “I thought you were 22.”  Oh my god you’re right. You’re practically 23, get it together.
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  18. You just realized you’re in that period movies typically montage over. Here’s Sally at 22 and here’s Sally at 26! You have no idea how you’re supposed to act in those in-between  years because you base literally everything you do on When Harry Met Sally. Normal 23-year olds aren’t doing that.
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  19. The Regular Show is about two 23-year old friends, but, you don’t even watch The Regular Show, your nephew does. He knows more about being 23 than you do (better get Netflixin’).
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  20. You’re still completely afraid of the dark. There’s no way Soulja Boy is afraid of the dark (you guessed it, he’s 23 and he dances in the dark like there’s no tomorrow). If you danced in the dark you’d fall over.
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  21. You have no idea how to filter yourself at work, but everyone laughs and says, “Oh she’s 22, I remember what I was like when I was 22.” But no one ever says a thing about being 23. THE RULES, THEY CHANGE.
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  22. When you realized you couldn’t have a raging birthday party in your studio apartment because you live above your landlord, you came to the conclusion you’ll never have fun again. Then you swore off fun entirely because what’s the point of half-fun, and furthermore, what’s the point of living if all your friends can’t get drunk in one room and blast LCD Soundsystem? So you contemplated suicide for awhile, but then were distracted by a new episode of Adventure Time and you laughed for awhile and then ordered some ice cream to be delivered straight to you door and when it was 5 minutes late you called the delivery guy and told him he might as well not bring it because you can’t handle the torture, and well yeah, 23-year olds don’t throw temper tantrums, and you just did.

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Hilary Fitzgerald is a writer for Writtalin. Hilary is a writer/filmmaker living in a brown box in Silver Lake. She tries to divide her time between her three loves--Diet Coke, Guacamole, and the Slamdance Film Festival, where they like to call her "crazy," but she is officially known as the Festival Coordinator. Ms. Fitzgerald once had a web series named Corilary, but now entertains herself with what her Uncle Jim calls "a great YouTube effort," otherwise known as Talkies with Hilary's Mom. If you like short 16mm black and white documentaries, she made This is Not the End, but you might not be into that sort of thing.

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