The other day while I was laying in bed with a bowl of coffee, my favorite KTLA news reporter said something that semi-grabbed my attention. She said, “blah blah blah professional eater blah blah blah.” Professional eater? My eyes had been opened and it wasn’t the coffee this time. If there was a job title like that out there in the open, what else was there? As someone who is clearly looking for another job, I had to investigate further. Listed below are ten of the least talked about jobs in the US of A. Stay weird, America.
1. Professional Eater
Did you know that competitive eaters are considered professional athletes? In fact, like baseball, competitive eating has two major leagues: the International Federation of Competitive Eaters and the Association of Independent Competitive Eaters. The No. 1 ranked competitive eater is Joey “Jaws” Chestnut, who holds the record for eating 69 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes. That’s over 20,000 calories. Gross. But guess what? That’s equivalent to how much money he makes. If you’re tired of your desk job and wondering what it’s like to make money by eating 80 chicken nuggets faster than anyone else, this career might just be perfect for you. ‘Merica.
Average Pay: $20,000 a year and the potential to be Subway’s next Jared.
2. Professional Snuggler
Have you ever considered yourself “the perfect spoon”? Are you soft in all the right areas? Wink, wink. If so, you may want to work for Jacqueline, creator of The Snuggery. Her company’s motto: “Take a Break. Have a Snuggle.” According to her, the world would be a better place if people took the time to be non-sexually touched by a stranger, I mean, professional snuggler. Ultimately, Jacqueline believes in the healing power of touch. While some people get enough healing power from a trip on the subway, others may benefit from private snuggle sessions. Like a retired professional eater.
Average Pay: $90 per 90 minute snuggle sesh
3. Pet Food Tester
I love my dog but I plug my nose when I feed him. There’s no way in hell I’m having what he’s having. Did you know that there are people who willingly eat cat and dog food for money? Simon Allison, one of the most highly paid pet food tasters, is clearly a different breed of human. His upper-middle class status is entirely the result of his ability to thoroughly chew bits and kibbles like a pro. Simon’s favorite dish for a romantic night with the lady? An organic luxury chicken dinner with vegetables for cats.
Average Pay: Not enough
4. Fortune Cookie Writer
Someone has to do it. Could it be you? Surprisingly, fortune cookies originated as an American tradition. Therefore, they are typically written in the United States by white people. This job is perfect for those who are creative, have excellent grammar skills, and a knack for sage advice. You don’t even need a bachelors degree.
Average Pay: Your hard work will payoff today. 49 25 7 36 32 40
5. Lipstick Reader
If you thought palm reading was crazy, think again. A lipstick reading involves applying fresh lipstick and then kissing a “love card.” A lipstick reader then predicts the woman’s past and future simply by reading her lip print. Muah.
Average Pay: $25 per lip
6. Snake Milker
Did you know that OC Housewives love their lip gloss spiked with snake venom? It creates a lip pumping effect that can last up to 12 hours if you apply it every 10 minutes. But you can’t make snake venom, you have to extract it. That’s where snake milkers come in. A snake milker removes venom from sea snakes, vipers, rattlesnakes, and cobras so that it can be used for good (hospitals and laboratories) and evil (housewives). This job requires brains just as much as balls, which is why most snake milkers have a Master’s degree and a mullet.
Average pay: $2500/month
7. Professional Binge Watcher
Have you ever binge watched five seasons of, say, The Walking Dead, in one week and thought, “I should have gotten paid for that”? If so, an elite team of binge watchers is waiting for you. The job requires you to wear your pj’s while you deconstruct TV shows until your eyeballs glaze over. Netflix describes the job in further detail: “Successful applicants will analyze films and describe them using objective tags. The tags work alongside advanced algorithms to generate highly personalized suggestions for every one of Netflix’s nearly 50 million members.” Algorithms aside, let’s be real, you get motha fuckin’ paid to watch TV.
Average pay: $500/week
8. Furniture Tester
If Netflix rejected your dream of becoming a paid TV watcher, a furniture tester might be the next best thing. Did you know that before you bought your red leather love seat, it was tested for safety and comfort? Yeah. Many companies, such as Lazy Boy, hire furniture testers to sit in, lay on, and wiggle wiggle wiggle on potential merchandise. The tester then gives it a grade based on comfort level. If you like sitting, and then standing, and then sitting again for hours, it’s not a bad gig.
Average pay: $31,000/year
9. Odor Judge
Ew, what’s that smell? That’s the smell of the armpit you’re smelling for money. An odor judge is responsible for testing the effectiveness of deodorant and more. If you have a sensitive nose, you could make a living by evaluating animal breath or detecting halitosis for mouthwash companies! The possibilities!
Average pay: $19,000 to $52,000, based on experience.
10. Chicken Sexer
Wanna stand out on your Match.com profile? Become a chicken sexer.
“Chick sexing” is the method of distinguishing the sex of a chicken. Because female chickens provide eggs and male chickens provide meat, it’s important to know what is what. A “chicken sexer” has the glamorous job of figuring that out, helping get eggs on grocery store shelves and chicken breasts on the dinner table. There’s a worldwide chicken sexing competition if you’re interested in learning more about the sex of chicks.
Average pay: $1,200/month