Posted On June 16, 2014 By In Miscellaneous, Rants

The Types of Callers for Which There Should be a Special Level of Hell

 
 

I work at a job that requires some customer service, most of which is done over the phone. Being a 22-year-old, I already have a strong aversion to the phone. Why would I want to actually talk to another human when I could just go on my computer and not have to interact with anyone? #ShitIDontUnderstand

So yeah I don’t love answering the phone from the get-go, mostly because it makes me extremely anxious. What can I say, my mom always told me not to talk to strangers. But some people who call in to where I work should seriously spend their afterlife burning in a special level of Hell created just for them. Here are the offending parties:

 

1. The Ring & Run-er

AKA people who call and then by the time I pick up (which is usually within 3 rings, at the most, aka not enough time to click into voicemail), they hang up. Like damn, I just went through my “Thanks for calling, this is Sara, how can I help you today?” only to be greeted by the cheery voice of the dial tone. What the hell happened in those 5 seconds between you calling and me picking up? Did you drop your phone into some volcanic lava? Next time, don’t dial while hiking up a volcano. Boom. Easy. Did you figure out the answer to your question? If so, next time don’t make calls on an empty head. Did you realize you’d called the wrong number? Okay, I kind of appreciate you hanging up I guess.

 

2. The Middle Man Maker

These are the people that call and ask something that is blatantly obvious that could have been answered if you spent 23 seconds on our website. Like for instance, we sell tickets at this place where I work. I unfortunately haven’t memorized how much tickets are every single night for every single event because they vary, so when you call me asking the price I have to go look it up on our website so I can tell you. See what you’ve done here? You’ve created an unnecessary middle man that ultimately just takes up more of YOUR time (and mine, but still, you are the customer so the focus here is on you). Anecdote time: when I was little and I couldn’t find something (okay and even sometimes now) my mom made a rule where I would have to search by myself one time before I came to ask her. I feel like I need to start instating this rule.

 

3. Captain Oblivious

A variation of #2, but every so often I have to spend a good 20 minutes on the phone with someone going over the minutiae of attending a show, covering every detail from the dress code, down to the damn color of the floors. I understand that it can be nerve wrecking to go to a completely new place where you don’t know how things work, and some questions are pretty important to know (like how to get there, where to park, etc.) but damn. How much of your night is going to be ruined if you have to wait till you get there to find out where the bathrooms are?

 

4. The Holder

People who call and then go, “Oh wait actually, could you hold on a minute?” Bitch, YOU called ME!

 

5. The Douche-nugget

Thank God it’s only happened a few times, but every so often I get that ray of sunshine who decides to call up and berate me over things I have absolutely no control over. I don’t get paid enough to deal with this, and frankly, no one does. I’m sure Satan patiently awaits your arrival in hell.

If these are you, you know who you are. And to all the nice, considerate people out there with common sense, keep on calling me. Keep fighting the good fight.

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Sara F Carter is a writer for Writtalin. Sara graduated from Emory University with a BA in Creative Writing and a BS in Theme Parties. She loves Batman, whiskey, crime dramas, and series of unrelated nouns. She wants to grow up to be a rapper's wife. Her last name is not actually Carter, but one day it will be.

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