With Halloween fast approaching, it’s the time of year to curl up on the couch with a bowl of candy corn and watch a scary movie. There are the classics like The Exorcist, The Shining, The Amityville Horror, one of the 8,036 Saw movies…or you could go a less traditional route, you unique snowflake you, and watch one of these utterly horrifying non-horror movies.
Sex and the City 2
Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda, and Samantha are back and they’re…still complaining. After a decade of bitching, these wealthy, successful women who live in arguably the greatest city on earth are still moaning despite sipping expensive cocktails in designer clothes. The girls go on an exotic vacation where they stay in a extravagant hotel with servants and are pretty much whiny and miserable the whole time. Is happiness even possible? Is there any hope for humanity? Frightening.
Kramer vs. Kramer
Divorce is way scarier than any ax-wielding murderer. In this drama, Meryl Streep and Dustin Hoffman give incredible performances (shocker) as a couple going through a nasty divorce and bitter custody battle over their dumb annoying kid. Courtrooms, vicious character assassination, expensive lawyers…if this is what reality looks like, it’s truly scary.
In this pathetic excuse for a chick flick, two talented actresses make the worst choice of their careers (especially you, Hathaway). They play best friends – women who have respectable jobs, and who have men that love them enough to ask for their hands – who literally turn into monsters fighting over wanting to get married at the Plaza. They try to sabotage each-other’s weddings, letting years of friendship and any semblance of self-respect fall by the wayside in favor of attempts to make the other fat and hideous for her big day. This insult to women everywhere will have you screaming at the screen way more than any slasher flick.
This movie is harder to watch than the goriest horror movie. If you can get through the scene where Tobey McGuire’s Peter Parker goes “bad” by swiping his hair in his eyes and dancing on tables without covering your eyes and wincing, kudos to you. Plus, Topher Grace (*shudders). They had to redo this entire franchise because of this train wreck of a film.
I don’t care what anyone says, that terrifying alien is going back to its home planet to get more terrifying aliens only to return and eat all of us humans. E.T. is NOT a friendly, charming alien. It’s a monster and I do NOT appreciate all of the nightmares Spielberg!
Kate Winslet and Leo DiCaprio are together again…only they’re in a horrible marriage. All of the dreams of Jack and Rose living happily ever after are somehow sullied after a viewing of this chilling drama. We won’t even get into the traumatizing ending, but the true villain in this movie is suburbia. I dare you to sit through it and not come out on the other side absolutely terrified of Connecticut.
Tyler Perry’s Temptation
Beware of AIDS. The plot of this movie reads like the gym scene from Mean Girls; if you cheat on your husband, you will get AIDS, and die. Well, maybe not die, but definitely get AIDS. Even if you were a good person your whole life, one mistake will ruin you. This cautionary tale will have you living in a house of condoms just to be safe. Also, Kim Kardashian acting. AH!
Mariah Carey’s big movie. There’s a character named Dice. The fact that you secretly enjoy it…it’ll haunt you the rest of your life. Never toooo fffaaarrrrr awayyyyyyy…..