Posted On February 20, 2015 By In Movies

50 Shades of Cray (Minus 40 Because It Wasn’t All That Good)

 
 

If I tried to share 50 praises for 50 Shades of Grey, I would experience 50 brain farts.  So instead, here are just 10 little tidbits about my late night Thursday viewing (and I don’t even mention feminism):

 

1. If you are going to see 50 Shades of Grey, I recommend going with not your boyfriend, because this movie was about as steamy as a shower when all the hot water is gone because you live with some really inconsiderate roommates. Like, basically just a lot of boobs and spanking.  You MAY catch two quick glimpses of pubes, and one measly Christian Grey butt shot, depending on your attention to details.

2. And if you do go to see this movie, you should go by yourself. But buy two tickets because your “friend” is “running late.” Then put in a good 5 minutes of tapping your foot and checking your watch. Finally, heave an exasperated, lusty sigh and head in. Your “friend” will meet you inside. [I actually went with a friend, but I did end up performing this little lonely charade because she was occupied with procuring hot Cheetos and other movie theater contraband.]

3. How does the mousy Ana even lose her virginity in one toe-curling night to a chiseled gazillionare with a pretty face and a private helicopter? Yeah, that’s gonna give a lot of false hope to pure promise-ringed preteens everywhere.  Here’s a reality check:  Your first time will not be with a Christian Grey.  Your first time will be in college with a boy who drives a red Prius, who you one time say I Love You to and then have to write a retraction letter to take it back.

4. All that ribcagey back-arching action is a little distracting. The only person I ever heard drool over (human) ribs was a man in college that we called Creepy Steven. And even then (mostly due to his bug eyes), it was entirely unclear whether he was joking or not. All bodies are lovely, yes, but Creepy Steven is NOT the face I wanted to pop into my head during my witness to Ana’s sexual awakening.

5. I’m sorry, but I just could not get past that armpit mole! There was a lot of over-the-head arm action and while her pits were gloriously hairless as a naked mole rat, that mole pretty much stole the show for me. Some people might try to paint it as a “freckle,” in fact, but if that thing was on the face of Enrique Iglesias, we’d all call it a mole, no question about it.

6. The film was HIGHLY insensitive to people with belly button phobias!!!!! This is what outraged me most.  There was no mention anywhere AT ALL about the scene where he teases her with an ice cube trail down the tummy that ends in a definite dip in the naval cave. SICK. I gagged.

7. I may have broken my lentil promise of no candy. But come on! Those red ropes Christian used—who didn’t get a hankering for red vines, I would like to know.

8. It was most definitely the kind of movie where you find yourself mentally calculating how much longer you have, even as the time between sexy scenes decreased like a pregnant lady’s contractions.

9. I went to the bathroom once during the 2 hour movie (they upsold me on that damn diet coke, elixir of the gods) and I found myself wanting to sort of just hang out in there and waste a little time because I was bored.  Little did I know, a discussion of anal fisting, butt plugs, and genital clamps was lurking right around the corner, a few scenes from my return.

10. What did we even LEARN from that? Absolutely nothing. NOTHING. At all. Goodbye and goodnight 50 Shades, you were not even good.

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Kelsey Darling is a writer for Writtalin. Kelsey recently-ish graduated with an unhelpful degree from Portland State University. After a brief venture to Utah to live amongst the Mormons, she is now the palest person living in San Diego. She has a deep passion for whales, prominent eyebrows, and silver foxes. She has never been cool and neither has her hair.

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