Posted On May 11, 2014 By In Miscellaneous

What You Should Do if Surrounded by Children

 
 

One of the worst feelings in the world is to be surrounded by a bunch of small children. This can happen just about anywhere, anytime. But since school is on its way out for the summer, it is time to watch your back if you are planning to use a public swimming pool. Here’s why:

 

Kids Love Swimming

A human being’s first love affair is with the pool. Kids love this stuff! They are like cats on a scratching post, or cocaine addicts when they see a line. They are simply enamored by the blue stuff, and they make a point to splash and are as loud as possible while in it. I enjoy water as well, but it annoys me to no end when children kick and yell in my face while I’m trying to enjoy it. So here’s what I do if they are in my way. I flee the scene. Pronto. I don’t plan on reproducing anytime soon (that’s what they all say), but even if I were, I would see this and decide then and there to never procreate. Not only are they very annoying in the water, but they are the most unhygienic little creations this side of Neptune. At any moment I expect to see a floating residue sample of some sort of excrement. It would be funny if it couldn’t be written into a script for the next Contagion movie.

 

Kids CAN NOT Sit Still

If you are sitting in a movie theater and the kid in front of you is gyrating up and down in his seat like a pogo stick. Or, even worse, if they are kicking you from behind, you have to kill them. Do it discretely, but do it. I am joking of course, but you should definitely speak your piece to them regardless of a parent being around. If their parent is a decent person they will assist you, if not, you need to get stern. By this I mean, head in their face, saying the following…. “listen up you little %$^@, if you don’t stop kicking my chair I am going to bring the hurt. Got that?”

Okay, maybe not the best advice. But now that these monsters are out of school and creating havoc in MY world, it is time to make a stand in order to mitigate the frustration and hair loss during what should otherwise be a wonderful season.

Happy summer, kids (non-creepy wink).

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Brian Wray is a writer for Writtalin. A self-proclaimed hipster who makes his home in San Diego, he recently escaped LA after working in production and casting for the past 2 years. His interests are tennis, recording music, and more tennis. Follow his various works at BrianWrayMedia.com. And Twitter him @BrianWrayMedia

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