A Self-Help Essay By Dotty
Getting robbed is a scary thing and your first reaction is to comply with everything your assailant is demanding. I believe all of us who have been a victim of robbery in a foreign country can relate. In the moments afterward you feel helpless, victimized, and are discouraged by thoughts of having to continue. I vowed from that day forward, if I was ever robbed again, I would be in-control of the situation. Therefore, after months of research, I came up with a method that leaves you feeling accomplished and empowered after a robbery.
As soon as you realize that you are about to become another faceless victim of robbery, immediately start crying and babbling incoherencies. Cry so loud that it drowns out the voices of those with thievery on their lips. This will do one of two things, either it effectively confuses your attacker to the point of leaving or it’s unsuccessful and the robbery continues. If crying doesn’t work begin step two of the “Your Robbery, Your Way” method.
Submit to the robbery, but give them the possessions you know they don’t want. Unlace your shoes and feebly offer them up to the bully. Take out your toiletries, your water bottle, first-aid kit, reading material, etc., anything and everything they clearly would not be robbing you for. For this step to be successful it is crucial to have melted to the ground in the best vanilla pudding impression you possess and to be crying all the while still. Now, if this reaction to your impending robbery is not successful, you have one more trick up your sleeve.
It is important to note that at this point you are still in control. He/she has not succeeded in pilfering your valuables and if step two was conducted properly you are on the ground at this point. From here, the advantage is yours.
Take a deep breath and keel over as if you have fainted from fear. A rigor mortis fetal position is highly recommended as your unconscious defense, but any number of rigor mortis body contorts should show that you are not to be messed with. Dirty robber folk are opportunistic criminals and are not prepared to do anything more than intimidate people, let alone deal with a tourist suffering from a depletion of adenosine and triphosphate in his muscle fibers, a.k.a rigor mortis. It is safe to assume that the thief wants to steal your money but does not want to hurt you.
This approach is completely unverified and highly unendorsed by anyone who has ever heard it. Even if applied perfectly, you more than likely will still be robbed, but know this, you took control of your robbery…it was on your terms!
As a final note, I would like to disclose that this has never been tested in the field, nor has it be tested off the field. These methodologies are intended to make light of a very serious scenario and in no way should you do anything that could be potentially harmful during a robbery…for example, this 3-step system.