Dear Shitty Parents, I know this is not a polite way to start off a letter, but who the fuck do you think you are?  There is not enough coffee in the world to protect me from your OC superiority complex.  I know I smile a lot.  And yes, I’m pretty damn good at making the Children’s Department look like Disneyland.  However, I did not think it was endearing that you referred to me as a “super nanny.”  I am a stressed out twenty-something trying to make some money whileRead More

The age old profession of bartender, like the hairdresser, barber, or manicurist, also doubles as a cheap therapist. Something about the job just makes people want to tell you things, oftentimes also looking for advice. Having been working in a bar for two months now, I’ve already heard some of the most intense stories I could have imagined. I’ve heard from two men whose wives left them in their sleep after ten plus years of marriage, and conversely happy oops babies after years of thinking that was long over with.Read More

I may not have you yet, and am not in a position to have you this year or even the next. But I do know that I will love you when I do.  I envision us during the holiday season, my son playing with action figures by the fireplace, my daughter playing with a new doll. And if it is my daughter playing with action figures, and my son cradling a new doll, I know I will be just as happy.  Although I can’t guarantee exactly how your lives willRead More

We all have that one Aunt or Grandparent that asks too many questions about your life at Thanksgiving dinner, and frankly, you don’t have the energy or care to answer them. It is annoying; it is a waste of breath; and you are most likely just going to be yelled at for whatever answer you give them, even if you’re telling them something good. You’re never right and they’re never wrong. Here are the generic, irritating and useless questions I’m sure we all have received at least once:   1.Read More

Record 22: Palm Springs, Thursday, July 5th, 2012. Day. Jake and his bro Ajax rode golf carts on the casino’s course every Thursday at 8pm. They never played golf. Casino and hotel patrons would often ask: “why?” The question was a fair one, says this guy here. Jake and Ajax, they didn’t like to respond to any such inquisition. Instead, they’d glare at the casino and hotel patrons from the casino and hotel bar, and when perturbed by dyspeptic tourists or slot-addicted regulars, they’d ask: “What are you doing inRead More

It was one of those classic San Francisco mornings.  In other words, I was hungover and there were homeless men sleeping outside my 6-floor building downtown.  I liked where I lived.  It was “different.”  Moreover, it was my first studio apartment and when I lifted my murphy bed back into the wall, I could dance in my underwear by myself or with a special friend, depending on the day of the week.  I had left suburbia and entered a city where I could sort of see my entire future unfolding.  TheRead More

She grabs your shoulders from behind, in a back-hug and shakes you around like a my-sized, standing shake and bake…also how you’re not supposed to shake a newborn baby. “Look at you! You’re amazing!” She says to your reflection that stares from an abandoned and mirrored headboard on the sidewalk that you’re sure has witnessed a night or eighty of raunchy sex. You tell her you may cry because you’re hungry and tears are your undue reaction to low blood sugar. You try not to for the sake of theRead More

We said good-bye, or at least we just stopped talking. It seems that how most modern-day love stories start their end. I thought I loved you, but I really didn’t like you. You portrayed a collected façade that only hid shattered pieces that no one really knew how to mend together. I believed things would get better sooner than later, but I think the lies to myself got the best of me.   It took time to realize the damage that you created and the sorrow that you lived through.Read More

I first met my former roommate’s pet parakeet when I came home late from work one night. I entered my apartment sometime around midnight to the sound of birds chirping like I was in a goddamn rain forest, a fully-lit kitchen/living room area, and a tiny blue and yellow avian fella perched in a cage placed atop a table. He was chirping and staring at me, blinking expectantly. My roommate had already gone to bed, so I was unsure of how to proceed re: introducing myself to the newest additionRead More

So, I live in Atlanta and if you don’t know, the weather here is a fucking joke. As in, “Today will be a low of 30 degrees and a high of 75.” That’s not even an exaggeration, that was the weather report two days ago. Which means I start off many a morning like, “WTF am I supposed to wear? Do I dress for winter or summer? Hellllpppp!!!” Unfortunately I’m not in elementary school and can’t just ask my mom what I should wear. Thankfully, my friend told me aboutRead More

For my Firefighter, who already proved he can. Could you love a cancer patient despite my burdened health? Can you provide the love and care that my heart has never felt? Are you ready for hours spent at the hospital waiting, for news you don’t know if you’ll be loving or hating? Do you have the patience for the brain fog I possess? Or the ability to smile through my CAT scans, nonetheless? Will you research conditions I’ll develop over time, and learn the medical jargon the specialists love toRead More

Where I come from, and in many small-town parts of the country, high school coaches are the most respected and revered public figures in the neighborhood. Growing up, I kind of accepted this and even bought into it a little bit. It’s not until you get older and have the benefits of real life experience and hindsight that you realize how absolutely bonkers this is. I mean, watch TV for 20 minutes on a Saturday and you’ll realize that people who coach football (and most popular sports) are, for theRead More