Posted On July 24, 2014 By In Miscellaneous

The Kind of Stripper I Want to Be

 
 

I don’t mind being naked.  And I’m a fairly decent dancer.  I’ve graduated from college and now I’m just waiting for the world to realize how great I am!  In the meantime, it seems I am pretty well-equipped for a certain career.

The first thing I’ll need to do is expand my stripper heel collection.  Like, I might actually have to buy a pair.  Only I’d like to work in the kind of place that would encourage the Spice Girls style shoe, more of a platform tennis shoe.  I’m wondering who decided that heels were sexy and what exactly is wrong with a good pair of stripper flats?  I’ve already got two on my chest, what’s two more on my feet?

shoes_550x315

Which leads me to the next item my wardrobe is severely lacking: a push-up bra.  Or any kind of bra, really.  I’m not one for doing push-ups (though my dad used to offer an incentive of $1 per 100 “girl” push-ups when I was a kid).  Maybe it’s time to invest in a bra that can take care of herself.  My only concern is I’m sure there are men who actually enjoy this small-chested kind of vulnerability and I really would not like to deprive these guys of their God-given right to small breasts.  So I guess I should embrace the freedom of no bra (because sooner or later, it all comes off anyways and) gravity will never bring me down.

bra 1

I would be the kind of stripper who plays to her strengths.  And if Mama Darling is any genetic indication, I’ve got a nice badonk on the way.  Give me a few years and I’ll have the kind of ass that inspires insightful rap lyrics.  There won’t be a dry dream in the house!

sir-mix-a-lot

I would be the kind of stripper with high standards, of course.  Like, I will only dance in a place that has glow-in-the-dark stars on the walls and monkey bars on the ceiling.

At first I would be shit because my upper body strength is nonexistent, but soon I will be one impressive lady!

Late-80s-female-bodybuilding-champion

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Kelsey Darling is a writer for Writtalin. Kelsey recently-ish graduated with an unhelpful degree from Portland State University. After a brief venture to Utah to live amongst the Mormons, she is now the palest person living in San Diego. She has a deep passion for whales, prominent eyebrows, and silver foxes. She has never been cool and neither has her hair.

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