The 5 Ways I Wanted to Respond to my First Piece of Hate Mail (But Didn’t)

So before I published “5 Things About Which I Refuse to Believe the Hype” on Writtalin, I actually submitted it to Thought Catalog first. I waited about 15 minutes and since they didn’t respond right away I figured they rejected it, and since I’m impatient af, I put it up on Writtalin instead. Not that Writtalin is my second choice or anything because Writtalin is the essence of my being and I owe my life to Writtalin and please don’t fire me #TYBG.

Anyway apparently some bitch was REALLY offended that I dissed House of Cards, although for the record I didn’t insult it I just said I personally didn’t like it, and I’m not sure why anyone would get so riled up over some stranger bitch’s opinion. But get riled up over some stranger bitch’s opinion she did, so much so that she personally sent me an email to “correct” and “educate” me. Here’s the email, copy and pasted from my Yahoo account (yes I know Yahoo is lame please don’t judge me kthanks).

When he speaks to the camera it\’s alled breaking the 4th wall. It\’s a theater thing that Shakespeare actually created. Kevin spacey actually just did a Richard the 3rd movie and in that play Richard speaks to the audience a lot. Francis Underwood is based on Richard the 3rd. The other characters don\’t do it because that is not how it\’s done. It would turn Into a farce. Only the main character should do it. You\’re judgement on House of Cards and breaking te 4th wall was very I\’ll conceived and ignorant, sorry, but it was. Don\’t judge what you know nothing about.

**typed from my iPhone, excuse brevity and errors please**

So I didn’t end up responding because ain’t nobody got time for that shit and because I’m not that petty. So instead, I’ve decided to write all the ways I considered responding and then post that on the internet because I’m totally taking #thehighroad. Also that’s a hashtag now.

1. Correct & Defend

Okay first of all, I’m FULLY AWARE that it’s called “breaking the fourth wall.” Hence, why I said in the last sentence, “Fucking hate that breaking the 4th wall shit.”Second of all, not sure how informing me of the whole Shakespearian history is relevant, or if Kevin Spacey having performed in Richard III is a pertinent piece of info or just a fun fact. Third of all, there are plenty of other works of drama in which more than one character breaks the fourth wall. Spring Awakening is the only one coming to mind right now, but I can update this list as I see fit, which will probably be the 35^th of Nevruary since I frankly don’t give enough fucks and I don’t think TC lets you update something once it’s published anyway. Finally, don’t tell me “not to judge what I know nothing about” since a) you clearly know nothing about basic grammar and spelling and b) I’m not claiming to be an expert in any of these things! The list is titled “Things I Don’t Believe the Hype About” otherwise known as “Things I Refuse to Try on Principle Based on No Actual Valid Reasons Other Than The Fact That They’re Popular.” Where in this essay or anything I’ve ever written do I claim to be an expert on anything? Jesus fucking Christ, this is called Thought Catalog, not Expert Opinion Catalog. You can go shave your back now.

2. Point Out the Hypocrisy

Speaking of “I’ll conceived and ignorant”…could you pass the irony?

3. Be Shadily Condescending AF

Heyyy thanks for reaching out! I hope you’re having a great day. I was, too, until I opened my email and realized that my Yahoo! account is not as secure as I thought (apparently), but I guess that’s what happens when Thought Catalog sells your information directly to the NSA. Anyway, so glad you read my article and that it moved you. However, I’m super sorry that I offended you bbygirl! The last thing I want to do is upset people I’ll never meet with my inane comments about a random TV show that I admit I don’t even watch! Oh, I’m sorry, my mistake. I just remembered House of Cards is not technically a “TV Show” since it’s a Netflix original series and therefore only airs on the computer, technically. See, I took your advice and I’m trying to be less ignorant and ill-advised with my opinions. I took the liberty there of assuming you meant “ill-advised” even though you typed “I’ll advised,” I hope that was okay! I know what happens when you assume things (they say you make an ass out of you and me) and while clearly I’m already an ass, the last thing I’d want to do is make an ass out of you, boo. So in short I’m like sooo sorry bby and I hope one day you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me.  Maybe we can even go out to brunch. There’s this great place in downtown Atlanta I think you’d like, it’s called No Mas! Cantina.

4. Be a Huge Dick

Yes your totaly rite Im completely ignorint and I never realised wut breaking the forth wall ment even tho I referenced it in the last sentence of that paragraf. I shudnt judge wut I know nothing about which is y I sincerly hope your not an English teacher but anyways your rite and I am gonna take that articel down rite this instant cuz it nevr occurd to me that I’m not an expert on House of Cards. Also pleas disregard all spelling n grammer mistakes because I aksed nicely.

5. Respond in my Rapper Voice

Yo ma it’s totally chill. I didn’t realize I was dealin with a writer for House of Cards n I seem to have really offended ya fam so I formally apologize, b. I didn’t think my random opinion meant that much to y’all but I’m sorta flattered that you felt strongly enough to send me a personal email n shit, nahmsayin? Like I don’t know how y’all found that shit n it’s kinda creepin’ me out that random bitches can just send me emails now but I guess that’s the name of the game, mo money mo problems, a dolla might just fuck ya main bitch n all that, ya bish. Just as a sidenote bbygirl if you gonna have an opinion just own it, nahmean? No need to call someone ignorant and then apologize for it, like do you, ma. If you gonna call someone names, at least go in on it, like keep it 100, don’t be backin’ out like that. You pull that pussy shit on the streets, you get shot, feel me? I don’t fucks wit that inconsistent shit. Also please pass along my apology to the Illuminati cause the last thing I wanna do is get on y’alls bad side, ya heard? Aight. Cool. Peace.

At the end of the day I decided to do neither of these things because there’s no point in trying to educate someone who you’ll never meet, who already thinks you’re dumb, and who doesn’t even have an elementary understanding of grammar conventions, or at the very least, autocorrect. I decided it was best to just revel in the irony and did what every awkward 9^th grader does and come up with a bunch of hypothetical comebacks way after the fact. Yay adulthood!

Also for those of you who were wondering my rapper name is obviously Teflon Don Delillo but it’s not set in stone and I am currently accepting suggestions.

Tags : featured, Funny, hate mail, Humor, Miscellaneous