College football will be back in one month, and along with all of the best people in the world, I am ecstatic! I went to Baylor and have a near and dear place in my heart for the Big XII. I am also a straight, human woman and have a near and dear place in my heart for exceptionally hot men (I’m talking to you Kliff). I now invite you to take a journey with me through the coaches of the Big XII from the uggos to the only football coach hotter than Coach Taylor. Enjoy!
10. Charlie Weis, Kansas Jayhawks
While google image searching for a photo of Coach Weis, I came across the option of searching specifically for his FUPA. If you’ve somehow managed to live life with an internet connection and are unaware of the term FUPA, it is an acronym for “Fat Upper Pussy Area.” Basically he has a gigantic front butt and the internet is full of trolls that love to bring attention to it. Congrats to Coach Weis and his FUPA for coming in last place.
9. Gary Patterson, TCU Horned Frogs
Coach Patterson just looks like your regular Texas dad who happens to wear transition lenses. I can only imagine how difficult it is to take him seriously during halftime while his glasses are adjusting to being indoors. He also tends to freak out on the field; he would make a good actor that only played angry dads from the south.
8. Mike Gundy, Oklahoma State Cowboys
Coach Gundy’s hair is lost in a time warp taking him to fourth grade in 1999. He pretty much always looks like a hungover porcupine.
7. Bob Stoops, Oklahoma Sooners
Coach Stoops is not attractive and a huge contributing factor is the constant display of a visor. I’m just not that into him.
6. Bill Snyder, Kansas State Wildcats
Coach Snyder is not hot, but he is so goddamn adorable I can’t even take it. Homie will reach his 75th birthday this fall, and he’s still coaching college football. That’s so respectable. If I played for him and he got upset with me, I would probably be overcome with a guilt similar to that felt when my grandma caught me stealing desserts in 1996.
5. Paul Rhoads, Iowa State Cyclones
So this is probably a weird place to place Coach Rhoads, put I find him oddly attractive. Like he could totally be Coach Taylor‘s older brother. And he lives in Iowa, so I’m assuming he’s besties with Chris the farmer that got sent home on The Bachelorette.
4. Dana Holgorsen, West Virginia Mountaineers
I know he’s unattractive, but I also think he is so hot in the most inexplicable way. Let me say that he actually has hideous hair, and a cap is necessity in almost every case. Besides that picture. Hi, Dana.
3. Art Briles, Baylor Bears
Coach Briles is almost 60 years old, and I’m kind of in love with him; he has a wife and children, so I’ll lay off. There is something about his tragic past coupled with his proven success in transforming individuals and teams that you can’t not love.
2. Charlie Strong, Texas Longhorns
Y’all. Coach Strong is so fine. If this was a list of DILFs, he would be number one, but it’s not. Succeeding Mack Brown is going to be tough for him, and if he does a bad job, at least he’ll still have his looks. He’s just so hot.
1. Kliff Kingsbury, Texas Tech Red Raiders
It’s true, Ryan Gosling has a doppelganger that coaches college football. This man is 35 and unmarried. Maybe I should move to Lubbock and get my Master’s so we can fall in love and have little Egyptian Ryan Gosling babies. He is also the proud owner of the “sexy V.” #marryme
I’m ready for some football. #sicembears.