Posted On August 5, 2014 By In Food and Drink For Men, Food and Drink For Women, Manzone

A Somewhat Brief Email Exchange With Seamless Customer Service Re: Randy’s Chinese Food

 
 

From: srm5082@gmail.com

To: care@seamless.com

Subject: Re: Confirmed! Randy’s Chinese Food received your order. Estimated delivery: 45-60 minutes. [12:11 a.m.]

To Whom It May Concern—

Please cancel this order. When I placed it mere moments ago, the Seamless website told me there had been an error, and that I should start from the beginning and order again.

Being in the famished state I am, I opted to not give Seamless another try. It’d be a waste of valuable time if I were to recreate the order only to find another error message. I assume you understand.

So I logged onto Grubhub.com. Which worked. I ordered a similar meal from another Chinese restaurant I’ve found comparable in both price and quality to Randy’s. (And that is also named something more oriental than “Randy’s,” because now that I think of it, why in the hell was I ordering Chinese cuisine from a dude named Randy?).

Then I got the confirmation email from you folks.

Again, please cancel this order and refund the balance to my credit card. I don’t find it fair that I should have to shell out a portion of my hard-earned monthly Chinese food fund for naught when it was your website that led me to believe I had made a phantom order.

I really hope you read this in time to cancel the order. I’m in a vulnerable state. If two orders of Chinese food show up, I’ll probably eat both. Which will do nothing for my Speedo body, which I am already several months behind on developing. At this point I’ll be lucky if nobody approaches me about being Santa this holiday season.

Thank you in advance for your rapid assistance.

Best,

Scott Muska

***

 

From: srm5082@gmail.com

To: care@seamless.com

Subject: Re: Re: Confirmed! Randy’s Chinese Food received your order. Estimated delivery: 45-60 minutes. [12:42 a.m.]

Hey Hey—

Well, I guess you didn’t get my message in time to cancel the order from Randy’s, because I am currently knee-deep in a magical ball pit, except egg rolls have taken the place of the plastic balls. It isn’t entirely unpleasant.

Since I have received massive amounts of Chinese food from two different outlets within five minutes of one another, I will sequester the food from Randy’s in a corner. I will not eat it until I hear from you, which I hope is soon. I mean, I assume somebody is on the clock over there. You’d have to be idiotic to shut down on Friday nights when people who are drunk and/or on drugs are giving you huge, huge business, and have very legitimate questions re: their junk food orders.

I feel like I don’t need the Randy’s nosh. In fact, I don’t even want it. Asian Yummy House definitely supplies a higher quality gravy with which to douse my house special egg foo young, and there’s no way I’m going to eat all of the food from both of these places. That’d be pure insanity.

***

 

From: srm5082@gmail.com

To: care@seamless.com

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Confirmed! Randy’s Chinese Food received your order. Estimated delivery: 45-60 minutes. [1:14 a.m.]

I have no choice but to take your silence as a tacit challenge for me to eat all of the Chinese food in my apartment, not including the wonton soup that has been in the fridge for three months or so. (Because at this point that quart of strange is more an amateur Science project than an edible thing.) But I refuse to be held financially responsible for the bounty of Randy’s finest I’m about to consume with a quickness and vigor that would freak you right the hell out if you were able to witness it. (You can Skype in if you want to, if you’re in India or wherever.)

***

 

From: srm5082@gmail.com

To: care@seamless.com

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Confirmed! Randy’s Chinese Food received your order. Estimated delivery: 45-60 minutes. [1:38 a.m.]

I just mixed some of that foo young gravy with a shot of Fireball, skulled it, and then vomited everywhere.

Sucks right?

WRONG!

Now I have more room in my tummy to finish all of the Chinese food and win the bet you tacitly made via: radio silence. I WILL PREVAIL!!!!

***

 

From: care@seamless.com

To: srm5082@gmail.com

Subject: Re Re: Re: Re: Re: Confirmed! Randy’s Chinese Food received your order. Estimated delivery: 45-60 minutes. [11:37 a.m.]

Hello Scott Muska,

We’ve just received your email and see that the restaurant has not initiated a refund. Can you confirm if you received, accepted and consumed the order from Randy’s Chinese Food? We will assist from there.

Sincerely,

Seamless Customer Service

***

 

From: srm5082@gmail.com

To: care@seamless.com

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Confirmed! Randy’s Chinese Food received your order. Estimated delivery: 45-60 minutes. [12:14 p.m.]

Fine. I ate it. I ate it all. And I liked it.

Technology is responsible for this. For my doughy body.

I’m going to abandon the Internet for a while; you know, actually call restaurants to place my orders, ask them for their healthy options. Might even walk there, too.

Until next time,

Scott

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Scott Muska is a freelance copywriter and journalist who lives in Brooklyn. He thanks you for taking the time to read his stuff, and you can contact him at srm5082@gmail.com. He Tweets and Instagrams @scottmuska.

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