Posted On February 26, 2014 By In Dating For Men, Manzone

How To Lose A Girl in Ten Tinders

 
 

Tinder can be a simple way to get attention, a date, or a hook-up in minutes.  There is something satisfying in being provided with a stack of people in your preferred mile and age radius while your besties are brunching with their beaus.  Yes, they may have shared bacon and mimosa-breath sex, but you have Tinder!  One can determine their attraction to another person with subtleties that can only be seen in photographs.   After a week plus some extra hours of Tindering, I have realized that there are some trends that men should always avoid on this dating app.

 

1.  The Minus Smile

The quick “yes” or “nope” decision that is the nature of Tinder is based on a few photographs.  I equivocate Tinder  to the way women may judge someone at a bar – that is, based purely on physical appearance.  Would you stare down a lady in a bar hoping they would find you attractive?  No, you would probably smile, or at least have some sort of facial expression that insinuated you did not wring kitten necks for fun.

Grrr.

Why are you so sad?

Even the canine frowns.

Even the canine frowns.

2.  The Pick-Up Line

Pick-up lines should be forever abandoned. The sky is blue, pigeons are the grossest birds alive, and you should never use a pick-up line, even if it is written.  Congratulations if you’ve gotten a Tinder match, but asking me if I fell from heaven is a sure boner-killer to my hard nipples.

3.  Star Wars Sightings

While exploring the deep varieties of San Francisco’s Tinder tundra, I was presented with a substantial amount of men with Star Wars characters.  Why?  Just…why?

Tinder SW

Chewbacca does not turn me on.

Chewbacca does not turn us on.

Tinder SW 3

SW 4

4.  Photographs With Animals That Aren’t Dogs

Yes, it is cliché to pose with a canine to sway women, but at least this shows ladies that there is a creature capable of liking you enough to let you hold it.  I don’t know how to feel about men with snakes, chinchillas, birds, and solemn tigers.

How would you like these three to spoon you?

How would you like these three to spoon you?

Tinder Anim 3

Heart to heart, bird style.

Is Anthony the tiger’s name?

 

5.  Princess Portraits

There are an abundance of men with perky princesses in their photographs.  You don’t need to post a photograph with a woman to prove to us that a member of the opposite sex has liked you at some point.  If you’re displaying pictures with a lady an assumption is formed that she is your girlfriend, and unless she is a total babe you get points taken away for dating a girl with a unibrow.

Is your girlfriend okay with this?

Is your girlfriend okay with this?

6.  The Tag Paragraph

This is not the space for a mopey monologue.  Your tag line is your opportunity to show that you’re not a serial killer or sex addict.  We don’t need to know that you like masturbating and 420, or that you are a part-time Buddhist with daddy issues.

Tag line or life story?

Tag line or life story?

7.  Nudes and Nether Regions

Pubic hair that is displayed and draped abundantly, like a jasmine plant off of a house, is not something we need to see to determine our attraction.  And your ass!  Can’t we just meet you first?  These crude displays on Tinder make me feel like I got flashed while I was only walking down the street to get a bagel.
Tinder Pubes

Thank you, Adam.

 

8.  Character Compilations

When we see a picture of you with your arm around a large character of an animated original, we are not thinking “wow here he is with Dora the Explorer; he must be a great person.”  We are wondering what the hell you are doing with a life-sized Dora the Explorer.

Creepy, not cute.

Creepy, not cute.

9. The Beard Reveal

Do you have a beard, or don’t you?  This is can be a crucial factor in your allure.  To put a beard photograph just to showcase, that yes, you can grow a beard, doesn’t do anything for anyone.   I don’t post photographs of my armpit hair’s potential just to show that it can exist.

Beards are better.

Beards are better.

10.  Weird Wonders

As a lady who is truly as odd as they come, some of these Tinder displays are weird and worrisome.  It’s not a harsh suggestion that you represent yourself as slightly normal so that we feel good about ourselves when we swipe you right.

There is nothing comforting about this.

There is nothing comforting about this.

Is it though?

Is it though?

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Equally lovely and ferocious in nature, Allyson Darling resides in San Francisco. She writes nonfiction essays about sex, relationships, and pantries (and sometimes about having sex in pantries).

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