Maybe you think you’re helping, but the thing is, we’re all becoming awesome individuals according to our own standards, desires, beliefs, and values. So these lists — Things That You Should Know lists, regardless of which gender it’s directed at — have to stop. I’m far from being a Helen of Troy, but I’ve never sat at home and scratched my head (or balls), wondering what I needed to change in order to be more attractive to others. I guess it’s cute that people are trying to help, and I know you’re the gender I’m trying to nab, but I got it. I don’t need your help. If it doesn’t work out because I wear leggings as pants and hate heels and don’t know how to wear makeup, then fine.
[Also, I know that not every male has these ridiculous expectations. When I asked my brothers to help me, their criteria for Things Girls Should Know were how to brush her teeth and not be crazy. Hopefully, not even a lot of guys have these stupid standards, but I know at least some do. And therefore] Here is a list of things you can stop trying to tell me:
1. I Shouldn’t Try Too Hard
Maybe a girl likes to wear dresses, okay? They are the easiest one-item outfit ever invented. I wear dresses all the time, everywhere. So don’t be flattered. I’m not trying to impress.
2. I Shouldn’t Just Order a Salad
Some people actually enjoy salads. That is to say, vegetables are refreshing. Maybe I want a salad because I had Taco Bell for lunch.
3. I Shouldn’t Wear Too Much Make Up
Guys like girls who look good with no make up. But, I think what you really mean is guys like girls who look good when it looks like they’re not wearing make up. Society’s beauty standards are rough. We have to wear make up to PRETEND we’re not wearing make up…how sick is that?
4. I Should Be Hairless in all the Appropriate Places
Let me tell you the sad, hairy story of a second grader who was so self-conscious of her arm hair that she never took off her blue sweater st school, not even during outside recess in the San Diego heat. Eventually she realized that people are jerks and she decided she would not wear that sweater forever, and no, she would NOT shave her arms every other day for anyone’s hairless satisfaction. And she grew up to be a woman with the most beautiful hairy arms that no one ever made a stink over.
5. I Should be Ladylike
I won’t tolerate farting double standards, I just won’t.
6. I Should Work Out and Often, and Eat Clean, and Be “Healthy”
This is perhaps one of the most annoyingly subtle ways that a man can try to control my body. SORRY, but I love cheetos and Netflix. And sure, I enjoy a good hike, but you will not find me at the gym. Healthy looks different on different people. Besides, I could never be with someone who didn’t encourage me to eat ice cream for dinner.
7. I Shouldn’t be a Tease
To this I say with a giant eye-roll puhlease. What is a tease, but someone who hasn’t given her complete consent, and how maddening is that? I swear, when men act like a boner is as serious as a nuclear disaster, I’m like really? Your boner is not Chernobyl. Penis, meet hand. No longer my problem.