Posted On November 20, 2014 By In Advice For Men, Manzone

Renaming Your Pornography Files: An Essential Practice for the Non-Single Man, With 40 Suggestions

 
 

I am a guy who likes to watch porn every once in a while. And my neighbor has a pretty solid wireless network, so I’m able to enjoy near-limitless streaming of all my favorite videos. Sometimes I’m so enraptured by the technology and the fact that I can watch porn until the cows come home that I end up watching vaguely shameful things until the sun rises, because I live in a city where there are no cows, and as such am unable to discern when they even start their trek home.

But you know what I hate? Those pesky monthly charges that come with a subscription to one of the premium online adult film outlets! I mean, if I feel guilty about renting Hook from Amazon for $2.99, then I’m probably not in the financial position to be dropping about $30 a month so that I can watch other people have sex.

So what do I do?

I join a site, download as many videos as possible, and cancel my subscription before the automatically recurring monthly charge takes its first swipe at my credit, which has a score that is honestly better than average for the type of person who occasionally purchases passcodes for online porn outlets.

Married dudes, you can get on board with this course of action — and the philosophy behind it — as well. It’s not exclusively for the fiscally conservative single guy demographic, guys! In fact, you men bound legally to monogamy likely have more need for pornography than the rest of us (if all the bitching you do when your wives aren’t around is true, anyway), and yet have a more vitally vested interest in keeping your smut consumption a secret from your significant other.

Think about it: your very life as you know it could crumble at the foundation if your wife grows suspicious when, checking the joint credit card statement, identifies a $29.95 charge to some company called epoch or whatever, and realizes it’s too high to be the Netflix and HuluPlus charges combined. Then she visits epoch.com, starts a live chat with a customer service professional, and spitefully types in both when asked in the chat window if she would like to cancel the Mofos or the Daredorm access pass. She types that yes, she is sure she would like to cancel any and all pornography subscriptions despite the fact that she can retain access to both sites for the price of one, offered at a discount price exclusive to the Platinum Frequent Purchasers Club. She clicks the “yes” button when a popup appears of surgically and comically enlarged breasts with copy below reading “Are you sure you don’t like all the titties 🙁 :(?”

So you’ve got to cancel in a timely fashion, right? You’re risking enough already allowing it to appear on the statement once (but it’s part of the fun, right — that you might get caught?). You briefly consider acquiring your own private credit card for pornography, chicken wing, and beer-related expenditures, but you know this would be a fool’s errand. She would find out sooner rather than later because she always gets the mail and you had never been great at setting your accounts up for paperless billing.

But you also can’t just cancel your membership and quit the pornography altogether, either, can you? You know what happens when you do that. A few days later you’re on some other site, subscribing and hoping this one is managed by ebill, and not epoch, and why in the fuck are those the only two companies that represent these sites? (You make a note to look into starting a new one to give them competition if you ever get caught and your wife is so upset that she divorces you and you are left with nothing tangible to lose.) During times like this, you may take extreme measures in attempt to dissuade yourself from wanting to look at porn. Measures that include you attempting to sympathize with fathers of porn stars when they first find out about their child’s vocation, that they’ve not been using the monthly checks sent on textbooks and meal plans. You wonder how you would ever react if you had a kid who moved to Los Angeles and said she was getting a lot of offers now that her professionally captured “headshots” were making the rounds.

So you must download. And you must keep those files safe and out of the way of prying eyes.

It is for you that I composed this list. This list of names you can bestow on folders that hide your lurid videos and pictures and Animorphs erotic fan fiction, so that your wife will never even be tempted to open them.

(Note: Make sure you remember to rename the files you keep within the folder, as well. If she is so suspicious that she clicks twice, then you have not been covering your tracks correctly. Consistency and vigilance are the keys here, gentlemen.)

 

  1. KillerMETALguitarRIFFS
  2. Cars w/ engines outside hood
  3. My Birthday Wishlist
  4. FishingPix
  5. Steak+Blowjob Day Countdown App
  6. Hardy Boys Riding Harleys_PhotoShop stuff
  7. Magic: The Gathering Decks_Type 2 + Extended
  8. Wallpaper Folder 1_Clint Eastwood Holding Gun + Smoking Cigarette
  9. Directions to Lawnmower Hall of Fame, Effington Illinois
  10. Wallpaper Folder 2_Rusty PBR Cans in Abandoned Steel Mills
  11. James Deen Video Resume_Boring Work Stuff
  12. How to Conduct a Professional Interview_Anastasia Ashley Business Program_Boring Twerk Stuff
  13. Knicks vs. Raptors 2004 Pre-Season + X-Files Season 8, Episode 4
  14. Fantasy Football Team Name Research
  15. Pix of BOATZ to buy if Marie kicks the bucket before you do
  16. Tucker Max Complete Fratire Collection
  17. Roadhouse full shooting script
  18. Point Break sound board
  19. Gus Johnson flipping out_Sports Broadcaster Faves_Compilation
  20. Wallpaper Folder 3_Dudes building stuff
  21. Home Improvement_Wilson Monologues_Best of
  22. How to airbrush Che Guevara’s face onto a T-shirt
  23. Knight Rider Season 2_Box Set Rip
  24. Now That’s What I Call Music_Vols. 1-3,648
  25. Roger throwing up after shotgunning PIX
  26. Wallpaper Folder 4_Frank Sinatra drinking alcohol
  27. Wearing Ed Hardy: A Defense in 18 Chapters
  28. Real Men of Genius Beer Commercials_fullseriesdirectorscut
  29. Saw 36 w/ Patrick Warburton on shrooms commentary
  30. openthisfileandpinterestwillcrashforever
  31. Tom Clancy Omnibus + Fan Fic
  32. Andrew WK Twitter party tips collection_COMPLETE_Updated October 21, 2013
  33. Vin Diesel filmography
  34. guns
  35. Wallpaper Folder 5_Bruce Willis w/ Yippe Kay Yay Motherfucker conversation balloons_PhotoShop stuff
  36. Del Amirtri Instrumental tracks_Karaoke Practice
  37. Forrest Gump Running Train_Photoshop Stuff
  38. Matching leather jackets for Junior and me
  39. Movember Rulebook
  40. BukakiPorn

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Scott Muska is a freelance copywriter and journalist who lives in Brooklyn. He thanks you for taking the time to read his stuff, and you can contact him at srm5082@gmail.com. He Tweets and Instagrams @scottmuska.

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