This is a letter I wrote to myself after recently looking at one of my high school yearbooks. Please excuse the language; I was wearing a lot of tie-dye in the pictures.
This is you, 11 years in the future. First things first, you look fit! Well done. Keep it up. It’s easy to stay fit. It is hard to regain that. So keep up the good work.
Now, down to business. Cut your hair, you look like an idiot. Turns out that Mom was right when she said that paying to have your hair highlighted would make you look stupid. I’m not saying you have to shave it, but do something else other than wear it like Shaggy from Scooby Doo.
While you’re at it, do shave your head.
Stop wearing cargo pants. You never use the pockets, and you look like an asshole.
Why the fuck do you keep writing on your hand? We both know that ‘because I need to remember it’ is a bullshit excuse. You have been doing since middle school and you never remember what you write on there. Get a planner or something, you look like an idiot.
When you lie to your parents about where you are going, at least have the decency to be nice to them when you lie to their face. The best part of it is, they know you’re lying! They are older and much wiser than you and they can smell your bullshit from a mile away. And while I realize that it is futile to say “be honest” with them (because apparently you have to go get into some shit – you are a teenager and invincible afterall), you can at least be cordial to the people that put a roof over your head and food in your mouth.
Did you shave your head yet? Stop reading and go do that, I will wait.
It’s great that you have a girlfriend and think that she is the greatest babe to ever walk the planet. She actually does rank up there as far as babes you’ll get to date. Just know that it is because you are from a small town and you are Lord of the Dummies here. But don’t stop hanging with your bros because of her. It takes you over a year to get beyond second base, it’s okay if you don’t spend every Saturday night with her.
Goddammit go cut your hair!!
That’s all I have to say Past-Patrick. Take care of yourself, and try to not be such an asshole. Just try, everyone around you will recognize it. And remember, if you think it is cool now, you are wrong. It isn’t cool. Thanks bud!
Oh yeah, Dumbledore dies at the end of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. And don’t watch Lost, it’s a fucking waste of time.