Posted On March 11, 2014 By In Advice For Men, Advice For Women, Girlzone

How to Be A Badass in 5 Steps

 
 

Sometimes we need a little pick-me-up.  Spring is approaching, and with weddings and reunions on the calendar, we will be reunited with friends we haven’t seen in awhile because we are done hibernating and the sun is out.  You’re going to be asked about your profession, your love life, and if you’ve signed up for any half-marathons.  Panic can present itself when we are thrown into these events after a winter of eating Girl Scout cookies and Tinder dates (not eating the dates…you know what I mean).  Here are five simple steps that will make you a badass and ensure your success when your high school BFF asks you if you’re dating anyone while changing her kid’s diaper.

 

1.  Poop in Public

Seriously, this is the one thing people whine, stress, and complain about.  You reside at your job forty hours a week and there is nothing more annoying that the person who only poops in the privacy of his home.  You and I both know the situation at work:  five stalls, no privacy, the wait-outs coworkers participate in, which could result in you hovering above a crinkly seat protector for the better half of an hour while waiting to be alone to do your business. Come on.  Just do it.  Boom.  Instant badass status for doing the one thing everyone avoids.  Now practice saying, “I poop in public.  You don’t?!”

public_bathroom

2.  Try Something New

It’s easy to get trapped in the routines of our lives.  A drink with this person, making your bed the instant you get out of it so as not to jump back in it, doing laundry on Thursdays, and Top Ramen on Tuesdays.  Please do something new.  It doesn’t matter what it is!  Attend a meditation class, join a craft meet-up even though you hate crafts, decide you love gardening.  I don’t care if you adopt a grandmother, also known as the neighborhood homeless woman.  Variety and originality are the fundamental structures of being a badass.

hands on clay

 

3.  Own Your Single-ness

Being single is a choice, yo.  You could settle and be with any character – so that you have someone to post brunch and cuddle Instagrams with, full of “we” captions (Example: “We love snuggling after bacon!”). But, congratulations, you have standards!  Own that shit.  If you’re going to a group event, abandon the cliche group photograph, opting instead to take a singles photograph where you all look damn good and the couples have to watch you pose.  Really dedicate yourself here, you’ll probably need seven different poses to feel like a true badass.

awkward-pose-model

 

4.  Have A Signature Something

A red umbrella, bold glasses, a pinky ring – it has to be something more specific and complicated than claiming you like cats.  These sorts of declarations result in a bedroom of cat figures and motifs that people purchase because they saw it and “thought of you.”  Claim a commodity that can’t be copied.

weird_hat

5.  Tell Fear To Suck It

Don’t literally do this in public or people may think you’re crazy when you’re screaming, “Suck it, fear!” on the bus or your walk to work.   Next time you’re scared of something, embrace it.  What is the worst that could happen?  Often, our anxiety regarding an act yields more suffering than the worst outcome.  Book a trip alone, tell someone how you really feel, stop wearing underwear, write a person a love note, quit your job if you can still feed yourself, but use disgression here….Don’t eat a peanut if you’re deathly allergic to nuts.

not_scared

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Equally lovely and ferocious in nature, Allyson Darling resides in San Francisco. She writes nonfiction essays about sex, relationships, and pantries (and sometimes about having sex in pantries).

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