Posted On January 2, 2014 By In Advice For Men, Manzone

Act Like an Adult: Things Men Need to Own

 
 

No more beanbag chairs and using paper towels to dry off after a shower (if you haven’t tried that ever, you should), it is 2014 and you need to get your shit together.  This is a list of things that you should own as an adult male, that is, unless your New Year’s Resolution was to “Live Life Like a Character from Workaholics.”  Buying secondhand is fine, I don’t really care how you get it done.  But I am sick of going to a friend’s house and being offered a fucking keg to sit on.

As an adult male, you should probably own:

 

–      A vacuum and/or a decent broom and dust-pan combo, and the know-how of how to properly use them.

 

–       A nice set of linens, including but not limited to bath towels, hand towels and bed sheets.  No prints, you aren’t a child (no matter how much candy you collected last year at Halloween).

–       A set of wine glasses THAT MATCH.  Wine = Sexy, you dummy.

–       At least a decent couch, stains negate a high price tag.  You get bonus points if you have a nice coffee table.

–       TOILET PAPER (SINGLE PLY DOES NOT COUNT).

–       Hand soap in the kitchen and bathroom, it lets people know that you live a life of luxury.  Luxury = Sex.

–       Cutlery that you didn’t steal from different restaurants.  It needs to match.  If you steal a full set from one restaurant that will probably work.  But you definitely should not go to that restaurant anymore.

–       A full disc set of The Wire, because it is the greatest show ever made and blows that stupid fucking Breaking Bad out of the water.

–       A decent set of cookware AND the skill set to make 2 dishes (preferably dinner).

Boom.  You’re welcome.  Enact all of these and enjoy the immediate improvement of quality of life.  This is that 2014 Future Shit.

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Patrick Smith is a writer for Writtalin. A true Fire Tiger according to Chinese Zodiac, Patrick commands the attention and affection of those around him. Likes: hyphy culture, fast cars, dolphins, tattoos, and drunk (not a typo). Dislikes: stale bread, gummy bears, Pepsi Cola, and shower sex. You can email Patrick at patricks@writtalin.com

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