I’ll say it: if there’s one thing I’m great at, it’s making colossal, oh-god-I-just-fucked-my-whole-life-up mistakes. If I were to trace the origins of this unfortunate trait, I’d say it stems from a combination of me being inherently spacey and not always thinking things all the way through. This will become more evident as the list goes on. Now, I’m by no means perfect, nor do I even completely have my shit together, so take this as a “don’t be like me” cautionary tale. DON’T DO THIS SHIT:
1. Living with random roommates –
OMG, do not do this. I will say that I by no means had a nightmare roommate experience–nobody who tried to stab me with a spork, or who liked to watch me sleep, or who ate all my food and never paid me back. But if you’re non-confrontational like me, living with people you don’t know gets really awkward when you would like them to clean something, or give you money, or quit doing something that bothers you. It’s just uncomfortable to bring up, and you don’t want to seem like a bitch, and you don’t want them to hate you and start an all-out roommate feud, so a lot of times you (I) end up biting your tongue and stewing in silent resentment because of a dirty spatula. Isn’t that a fun way to live for a year?
2. Living on a ground floor apartment –
Again, YO, do not do this. Noise? Check. Cars? check. People walking by outside your window, oblivious to the fact that you’re getting undressed mere inches away from their small talk? Checkkkkkk. Sure, the rent is considerably cheaper than the same apartment a few floors up, but at what cost? If you’re cool with sacrificing a year’s worth of privacy and sleep for a couple hundred bucks a month, by all means.
3. Making travel plans without checking your calendar –
“Sure mom, I can visit September 20th-28th, no problem, I don’t have anything those days.” Buys tickets. 3 weeks later: “Outkast is the 27th. Music Midtown is the 19th and 20th. FUCK.” These are all direct quotes. All I can say is, fly Southwest so you can change your trip a million times over without any change fees.
4. Going out on a weeknight –
“What’s the big deal,” you (I) will say to yourself. “I went out Wednesday through Saturday in college, Thursday is totally doable.” HA! Be prepared to spend the first half of Friday trying not to puke, and the second half of the day trying not to fall asleep.
5. Applying to jobs blindly on the internet –
Okay so I’m no job guru, but essentially applying to jobs you find on the internet is just throwing your resume into a black hole. You’re way better off networking with people and making connections–at least, that’s what my adviser at the Career Center says.
6. Going to Ikea by yourself –
Here’s what happened: “I need a bed frame A$AP Rocky, lemme just pop into Ikea real quick.” LOLOL.
Here’s the TL;DR version of how that went: Picked out my bed frame in 5 minutes. Spent the next hour going through the maze because there were no signs for the shortcut. Get to the inventory and figured out I could hardly lift the pieces. Struggled through it, and put them in my shopping cart, sticking out. Did I mention I neglected to get a flat cart? I neglected to get a flat cart. Became a walking hazard as I narrowly avoided hitting fellow shoppers in the face with my bed frame parts. Checked out. Struggled to take the pieces out of my cart and onto a flat cart. Shoppers and employees alike walked by as if I wasn’t very visibly struggling. Finally, a 14 year old kid came to my rescue and did the heavy lifting. Got to my car. Realized these pieces were too big to fit in my car. A dad broke away from his family to help me put the pieces in my car, half sticking out the window. Drove home at 20mph, trying not to hit any cars with my bed frame. Plot twist: Bed frame broke approximately 2 months later. While I was in it.
DON’T BE LIKE ME, KIDS.