Today is my 26th birthday. Two years ago, on my 24th birthday, I wrote a list of the 24 lessons life had taught me in 24 years.
So, on this, my 26th birthday, I would like to amend and add to that list. Some things change, some stay the same. Here’s what 26 years on this planet have taught me:
1. Don’t drink shitty beer. If it ain’t craft-brewed, it likely tastes like horse piss.
2. Not everyone finds offensive jokes funny. Some people find them offensive. These people suck, though.
3. Never buy drinks at sporting events or concerts. Pocket shots and flasks are your wallet’s best friends. Although, you’re getting to the age where this is only marginally acceptable.
4. Your parents actually have good advice, at least most of the time. Listen to them, and take their advice. SERIOUSLY.
5. Girls come and go. Friends can turn on you. But the Denver Broncos will always be there <3.
6. Money can’t buy happiness…but it sure as hell can pay for things that do bring you happiness. But saving that money can sometimes bring you even more happiness.
7. Don’t fight bouncers. Whether you get your ass kicked, get pepper sprayed, or get arrested, it ain’t gonna end well.
8. Never turn down free beer…unless it’s offered to you by a stranger who proceeds to ask you if you’ve ever experimented with men.
9. Don’t wear flip flops when there’s a 60% chance of snow. And make sure to keep your flip flops somewhere puppies cannot destroy them.
10. Never miss a chance to tell your loved ones that you love them. You never know how many more chances you’ll have.
11. Stay away from fake people. And new people. And people. #NoNewFriends.
really are crazy are fucking absolutely insane. Avoid at all costs.
13. Hope for the best, but expect the worst. Especially when it comes to gambling, the Colorado Rockies, and hangovers.
14. Keep people’s secrets. They’ll trust you more…unless those secrets are too hilarious not to share.
15. Hangovers get SO much worse every year you age. Shit.
16. You can tell a lot about a girl by the television shows she watches.
17. Apathy is always an option, but rarely the best one.
18. Give someone a second chance, but NEVER a third.
19. Never miss a chance to go to a concert. Live music is never a bad time.
20. Get off your fucking smartphone. Life’s too short to not be in the moment.
21. Never underestimate how stupid the average person is. Lookin’ at you, Trump supporters. Get it together, America.
22. Make an effort to stay in touch with friends from all phases of your life. You’ll be glad you did when you’re older.
23. When you meet a girl on Tinder, always make sure to Facebook stalk to make sure she is not a whale before agreeing to a date.
24. If you’re into a girl, don’t sleep with her on the first night. If you’re really into her, hold off on the second night too.
25. Nothing ever changes unless YOU try to change it. If you fail, at least you tried.
26. Never settle. Always keep hope. Don’t waste a second. And listen to Ferris fuckin’ Bueller.