I don’t like the gym. Call me crazy, but I would rather spend all day wandering a trail in the backcountry than run on a rotating belt while staring at a wall. Unfortunately, shit happens (read: stress fractures) and I grind it out on the elliptical and lift heavy things.
The last 6-8 weeks have been eye opening into the world of stair-masters and bro tanks.
Here are a few observations and recommendations when hitting the gym…
TO THE LADIES:
I don’t trust girls with skinny arms. Blame it on the last 18 years spent swimming, but if your bracelets can slide all the way up to your shoulder, we can’t be friends. Please don’t let me hear you ask your friend, “oh my gosh, can you tell I’m sweating?” If you’re not sweating, what are you doing? My suggestion to you is to stop lollygagging on the elliptical in order to burn that stick of sugar-free gum you’re chewing, and take a note from the dudes. Lift something, throw something, sweat. I would suggest not wearing makeup, though it seems on any given weekend night, if you’re in the gym, you’re there because you “don’t want to waste the pretty.” Yes, actual words from someone’s mouth.
TO THE DUDES:
You are not the Old Spice man. Spraying yourself sexy is not a thing. I can taste you in the pool. Please stop. Second, don’t skip leg days. I know people joke about this, but really. I do find the upside-down triangle body type incredibly attractive, but if your bicep is thicker than your thigh, do some squats and swig your bro-tein.
All in all, if you’re looking to find your mate at the gym, doll yourself up and get swoll with your bros. Happy hour starts at 6pm and goes until 8:30. If you’re looking to do work and not wonder who is staring at you from that mirror or that mirror or that mirror, the gym is yours just about every other hour of the day.