Last week, I was in Las Vegas. I was in Las Vegas for five nights too long…and by that, I mean I was in Las Vegas for five nights. As a problem gambler and a party-loving idiot, being in Vegas at all was probably a terrible choice. But during my time in Vegas, I learned a few valuable lessons which I would like to impart onto the rest of you.
Bribery ALWAYS Works
Going to Vegas with a group of five dudes and one girl, our odds for getting into clubs at all were pretty shitty. Our chances at making guestlists and cutting lines were even more dubious. However, I learned that in Las Vegas, there is one great equalizer: BRIBES! Next time you’re in Vegas, even if you’re with a group of 20 unshaven, virgin men, you can get into any club if you shoulder-tap the bouncer and wave a few twenties in his face. Next thing you know, you’ll be cutting the lines and well on your way to grinding on beezies til 4am.
You Should Never Pay for Drinks
This really wasn’t even that hard. Who the hell wants to spend $12 on a freaking Bud Light? Nobody, that’s who. So, I offer you two easy solutions to spend under $20 on booze for your next Vegas trip – flasks and yard-long drinks. Of course, stock up on liquor before you reach Sin City. Then, buy ONE (JUST ONE!) yard-long drink from one of the shitty foofy-drink bars that are more abundant than stripper cards on the strip. Finish said drink, and then, voila! You have a yard-long container to mix your own whiskey-Coke or vodka-Sprite in for the rest of the trip. And if you don’t get sufficiently drunk before clubbing, flasks are your friend! Tuck them in your balls or cleavage, depending on your gender. Bathroom stalls will then provide all the privacy you need to keep drinking on the cheap at the club.
…And you Should REALLY Never Pay for “Escorts”
Disclaimer: This is NOT a personal story…I don’t pay for sex. But without naming names, someone I know did exactly that during our time in Vegas. And let’s just say that when it cost a few hundred bucks and he described the chick as “average” and “kinda chubby,” well…the juice wasn’t exactly worth the squeeze.
Do NOT Gamble (Drunk)
This one is easy. If you don’t usually gamble, don’t gamble. You will not win. And even if you DO gamble, and you’re usually pretty good, do not gamble after you’ve been drinking. Even if you’re well-versed in your game of choice and usually win, gambling while wasted may result in yelling “Watch this guys! YOLO!” and throwing down a $200 bet on a blind hand of Blackjack. Steer clear.
Canadian Girls are NOT to be Trusted
This one is a little autobiographical, and without getting into too much detail, I’ll just say that Canadian women are all liars, thieves, and teases. Not a generalization, just facts. Learn from my mistakes.