Pretty self-explanatory. I promise at some point I’ll write an article for Writtalin that’s not a listicle (maybe), so fans (mom), stay with me here.
1. Unlimited boozy brunch after a night of drinking
“Okay, Sunday we’re going to Red Pepper and doing unlimited mimosas, finally,” is how the conversation usually starts. But obviously it’s Saturday night so you’re not going to not go out, that would be ridiculous. So you go out and get a lot drunker than you planned (see #2) and by the time you wake up Sunday morning, put on some mismatched flip flops, and trudge over to the brunch place, you know you’ll maybe be able to stomach one mimosa to survive, but any more than that will make you puke and die. In that order.
2. “Not getting that drunk”
“Yeah, I’ll go out tonight,” you say, “but I won’t get that drunk because I have to food shop/see my parents/perform open heart surgery tomorrow.” And maybe you’ll stick to it in the beginning by not pregaming that hard. But we all know the second you get to the bar and everyone’s wasted and you’re thinking, “this is my worst nightmare,” you’ll make a beeline to the bar and pound 5 fireball shots. It’s at that point that some guy will offer you a drink, and even though you really shouldn’t, free is free. Cue the next morning when it feels like Rick Ross is sitting on your head, and you’re pretty sure you know what dying feels like.
3. Only eating fruit and vegetables from now on, except for quinoa
This is the makeshift diet/cleanse I made up for myself after a music festival where I pretty much ate Pringles for 3 days straight. This seems like a good idea at the time until the moment you realize that you are a human, not a rabbit, and not eating any actual food makes you hungry af. Don’t get me wrong, I love salad, but a salad does not a full person make.
4. Foregoing your morning workout in order to sleep another hour
Not gonna lie to you all, my comforter is the most comfortable thing in existence. Period. Like if I could somehow sew it into sweatpants I would never take them off. So when my alarm goes off at 7:30 and I’m like, “Noooooooooooo,” and decide to just fuck the gym and sleep for another hour, it feels great–at the time. I only start to regret it when I get to work, where I am paid to sit on my ass for a full 8 hours, because I start feeling like a lazy fuck. Also, sitting in the same position for extended periods of time gives you bed sores. While I’m not there yet, I fear it’s going to happen pretty damn soon. Also my comforter is more comfortable than your comforter; I don’t care what you say.
5. Wearing heels
Look, okay, I’m 5’2″ so for me wearing heels is not an option so much as it is a necessity if I want to get let into the bar/club, rather than get mistaken for an extremely precocious 14-year-old with a killer fake ID. Which is all fine and dandy until about 1.5 hours into the night when I want to chop off my ankles. I could take off my shoes but I’m not a freshman in a frat house anymore so that shit doesn’t really fly. Ladies: do any of you do that thing where you kind of kick your heels back against your ankles so that your heel is back up against the back of the shoe, so your toes aren’t crushed up in the front? Well, I do that. Moral of the story: don’t wear heels, especially if they’re from Target (did I leave that bit out? Oops).