Posted On June 12, 2014 By In Lifestyle, Miscellaneous

Things Ruined When You’re a Germaphobe

 
 

Some people go through life blissfully ignorant of all the horrible, disgusting germs that are literally everywhere.

Other people carry the burden of constant fear, paranoia, and revulsion from living in a world contaminated by germs. These people are called Germaphobes.

Germaphobes are faced with many challenges on a daily basis, as their phobia robs them of the joys that non-Germaphobes get to experience, such as…

 

Ball pits

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Ah, Ball pits. Ball pits are a childhood staple of seemingly innocent fun. Wrong! Ball pits are full of heinous germs from the filthy grubby hands of snot-nosed children who have little control over their bladder and bowels. Each colorful plastic ball acts as a vehicle for something that will give you pinkeye…or worse.

 

Finger Foods

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Normal people react with glee when presented with a tray of appetizing finger foods or an assortment of dips. Not Germaphobes. Hors d’oeurves look delicious but likely have already been touched by other human hands that probably weren’t washed because you’d be surprised how many people never ever wash their hands.

 

Drinking Fountains

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Thirsty? Better purchase an overpriced bottle of water because drinking fountains are essentially cesspools. Think of how many strangers backwash has built up on the surface of the basin. You might as well just go around licking a bunch of stranger’s tongues.

 

Public Transportation

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Subways and buses transport millions of people every day, also millions and millions of germs. You never know what you might find on public transportation. Definitely filth, but what sort of filth will always be an unwelcome surprise. Bits of saliva, boogers, urine, and fecal matter discourage Germaphobes from touching any of the rails on the subway or bus, they can be seen flailing about like a lunatics attempting to keep their balance.

 

Public Restrooms

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Pretty self-explanatory. If the word “public” is involved, Germaphobes hate it. Hate. It. Public restrooms are particularly horrifying for Germaphobes. Instead of sitting on the toilet they hover over it as to not make contact with the bacteria-ridden seat. Basically every time they use a public restroom they do a mega squat. Bad for the nerves, good for the thighs. It’s also challenging for Germaphobes to exit the restroom after washing up because the door handle is the most germy part, because again, most people are barbarians who don’t wash their hands. Germaphobes will either wait to exit behind someone who has already opened the door, or use a paper towel to protect their hand while turning the knob. Then they will dispose of the paper towel and use an entire bottle of hand sanitizer.

 

Having Company Over

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Germaphobes are meticulous when it comes to cleaning their own home. Typically a Germaphobe will have five to ten Lysol products in every room. When Germaphobes have company over they lose all control over the cleanliness of their home. What if guests track in dirt and germs? What if guests have a cold and spread toxic cold germs? What if guests are unknowingly carrying the plague? No Germaphobe can ever enjoy hosting because their mind is preoccupied with thoughts of scrubbing their home with bleach the second everyone leaves.

 

Vacations

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Go ask a Germaphobe about the remote controls in hotel rooms. I dare you. Hotel rooms are basically a playground for all the germs of your worst nightmares. If you think the maids clean you’re wrong. They just make the bed and put out additional tiny bottles of shampoo to give the illusion of a cleaned room. Don’t be fooled.

 

Everything

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Everything enjoyable is destroyed when you’re educated about germs.

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Rachel Harrison is a freelance writer who lives in Brooklyn. She graduated from Emerson College with her Bachelor's in Writing for Film & Television. She enjoys stories, melted cheese, and embracing her inner nerd. She tweets @rachfacelogic.

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