College is well underway and it’s that time of the year, everybody! The time when you want to slowly smother your roommate with a pillow when they sleep because their little habits are starting to seriously annoy you, and you’re wondering why you didn’t just shell out the extra three thousand for the single suite. Interspersed with the grand moments and adventures where you find yourself really grateful that you didn’t opt to live alone, of course. But if you still find yourself sighing loudly instead of laughing loudly because of something your roommate does, just print out the following ten commandments and hang them somewhere they can see. Probably not with the cleaning supplies– we both know they never touch those.
1) Thou shall respect thy roommate’s stuff
There is exactly one good reason to be rifling through your roommate’s things, and that’s when they’ve given you express permission. And for the love of God, don’t take anything! Unless they told you that you could help yourself, assume everything is sacred and you will be struck by lightning if anything is moved.
2) Thou shall not steal thy roommate’s special food
I’m all for food sharing. It’s what makes living with other people bearable. But if your roommate has a special birthday dinner with family and brings home cake, it’s not yours to eat unless they say so. So don’t go pawing at it first thing when they bring it back.
3) Thou shall make a concentrated effort to laugh. At everything.
If you don’t learn to laugh at yourself in college, you’re not going to be the only roommate annoyed. Not everything is so serious that you can’t laugh at it, and everything is easier to deal with when you do laugh at it. Please use your common sense for this one though. If your roommate tells you their fat ten year old goldfish died, don’t laugh.
4) THOU SHALL NOT BE GREEDY
This is for the roommate with the cake who isn’t sharing. Surely you can spare a little, right? As long as you can find it in yourself to share most of the time, your roommates will not be googling, “how to slowly poison someone with low doses of arsenic”. Plus, if you share, they’ll remember it, and share with you.
5) Thou shall use headphones whenever possible
I am the guiltiest of this. I never use headphones. I am sorry. I am the worst kind of roommate. To everyone else like me out there: no, the whole world doesn’t want to hear which episode of Parks and Recreation you’re on. Sorry. I know it sounds impossible to believe, but trust me, everyone will breathe so much easier when you’ve got your headphones in.
6) Thou shall make thyself scarce when significant others come around
Arguably one of the most important unsaid things ever in a roommate agreement. If you can find another place to be when your roommate has their SO over, please go there and stay there until the coast is clear.
7) Thou shall not wake thy roommate up if they are napping
At least attempt to be quieter! But don’t slam the door open, turn on all the lights, go right up to their face, and be like, “I don’t think you’re really sleeping.”. Not anymore, I’m not! Turn on one light at a time and if you see them sleeping, leave them alone. Go take a nap yourself, weirdo.
8) Thou shall not make fun of the many selfies thy roommate may take
So they look poppin’. Their makeup or outfit is on point. Whatever words they use to describe themselves, however many selfies they take– let them have their confidence! Don’t be that downer that points out how the angles of their eyeliner are off by two degrees.
9) Thou shall not yell at thy roommate for things they can’t control, such as prolonged coughing
Unless they’ve refused to see a doctor. Then you’re entitled to a little anger. But if they’re sick and are taking their full dose of antibiotics and can’t really help their constant coughing, yelling at them only makes you an asshole about it. Even when it disrupts your sleep.
10) Thou shall spray the Febreeze after a rank bathroom use
Don’t come out of there giggling and playing dumb. We all know what you were doing, and trust me, we can all smell it. Use the Febreeze that is in there and cover yourself. Please. My nose is going to fall off and die.
So there you have it, passed down from God himself. Bring these up and put the pillows down– you won’t need ’em anymore.