“Merry Christmas!” “Happy Christmas!” “Happy Hanukkah!” “Happy Kwanzaa!” “Happy Holidays!” “Festive Pagan Solstice!” Whichever greeting you prefer this time of year, odds are, someone will be unreasonably butthurt by it. “How dare you have a different upbringing from mine…” they’ll scoff, while lumping you in with the real terrorists, with their filthy, minimalist, “war on Christmas” Starbucks cups. Damn heathens… But no matter what their self-righteous, butthurt poison, we can all agree on one thing: our friends, families, co-workers, mechanics, pets, dentists, and Jimmy John’s delivery guys have disappointed us spectacularly in one way or another over the past year. Thus, a Festivus for the rest of us!
The time has come. The 24th of December is upon us! Time to pull the Festivus Pole from its yearlong slumber in the crawlspace and stand it proudly, uh, wherever, adorning your house/apartment/dorm/sunroom/kitchen/bathroom/closet with the beautiful, understated symbol of your true heritage. But, if you aren’t a seasoned Festivus veteran, don’t bother with the decorations this year. Tinsel is distracting, and clashes with the anti-commercial and anti-religious spirit of Festivus. A plain aluminum pole is absolutely essential – bonus points for a high strength-to-weight ratio.
Step 1: Festivus Pole. See above.
Step 2: Invite guests. Friends, family, neighbors, babysitters, anyone who has disappointed you over the past year.
Step 3: Make a lovely dinner. Thanksgiving-style is perfect. Dress accordingly. Watch the Festivus episode over dinner. This will ensure that you are in the anti-holiday spirit.
Step 4: The Airing of Grievances. Like giving thanks at Thanksgiving, the Airing of Grievances is the fabric of Festivus. Round-robin style, each guest rattles off all the ways that each guest, including the host, has disappointed him/her over the past year. Host goes first. Raised voice and colorful language are encouraged, but not necessary. Go deep. Leave no disappointment stone unturned.
Step 5: The Feats of Strength. Equally essential, the Feats involve each guest attempting to pin the host on the floor. Until the host is pinned, Festivus is not over!
Combining a healthy dose of commercial disgust with ridding the holidays of all things Jesus, Santa, Satan, Sun King, Kringle, Moses, Apollo, and Kwanzaa Principles, the beauty of Festivus is sweepin’ the nation! So take the time this 23rd of December to let your loved ones know you care… by hurling all the ways they have let you down over the past year in their faces. Free grievance on me for the short heads up. I let myself down…