Don’t get me wrong; I’m a supporter of the modern day selfie. In fact, I’m a founding member of the selfie sisterhood, dating all the way back to disposable cameras and MySpace mirror shots. See:
Mom and me, age 13.
Dog and me, age 16.
Whatever I’m wearing and me, age 17.
I’m all for the self-love and self-empowerment that comes with sharing one’s face (hair, makeup and shoe choice) on social media. Seriously. Let your multi-colored hair down and (for those out of high school) show off that Atlantic City dress you spent all of your money on. Go ahead, ask your friends which filter to use. They’re probably wondering the same (unless they’re “strictly Lo-Fi”).
Take no shame in your selfies, unless they’re one of these seven in which case, remove your life-proof case and promptly throw your phone down the closest elevator shaft.
I did not believe this was an actual thing until I went out of my way to search the hashtag (cue regret). That is not cute. In fact, it’s kind of creepy. Are you going for round two? Because I’m definitely wondering. I’m also picturing it, whether I want to or not. Kudos to the couple that can still look cute after sex and manage to post an innocent-looking selfie sans the #aftersex tagline. Trick me into thinking you’re just watching Wolf of Wall Street in bed under the covers and you’ve got my like. To those just posting pictures of their pants around their ankles – for shame.
This is still a thing — no matter how many listicles rated it the worst of its kind. I thought by now they’d be up there in selfie heaven with all those pictures of filtered omelets and hi-res salads. Alas, I’m still seeing your 600-calorie runs at 8 a.m. every Sunday morning as I order my usual bagel with extra low-fat cream cheese. Stop that. The world will still spin without everyone knowing that you took a spin class.
“But first…” selfies
Okay, I’m guilty (“LIVIN WITH MY BITCHES #LIVE”) but, please, for the love of Instagram, take a step back and realize that “Selfie” by the Chainsmokers is MAKING FUN OF YOU. Don’t go home with Jason and don’t drag this song (currently dying a slow and painful death) into the summer.
NO. JUST NO. (Also, who hashtags an emoji?)
Selfies with homeless people
At least wake him up first.
This is my favorite least-favorite selfie trend. Please keep all iPads/tablets/desktop computers away from the mirror at all times and, if you’re gonna break that rule, at least take the case off.
This is the only instance when posting a picture of your omelet every once and a while is totally acceptable. Seriously, there is such a thing as selfie overkill. Sprinkle in a few shots of the sunset or your cat sleeping on your feet (#AW) and you’re set.
Other than that, let your selfie flag fly.