This just in: rubbing one out no longer has to be a private (giggity) and shameful affair. Gone are the days of smashing the nearest pillow into your lap when your roommate, or God forbid, your mother, walks in while you are having a moment with yourself. No more awkwardly blushing and trying to change the subject while utterly failing to make it appear as though you aren’t a sicko that actually does it – although it is extremely rare that I meet a man that doesn’t enjoy talking about it, along with all the creative names he has developed over the years for his John.
Short of being a boner-fide Buddhist, ain’t no way that you ain’t rubbin’ or tuggin’ at your nethers once or twice in a while, unless you’re me, that is. The Good Book tells me not to ‘cause it is a filthy, damnable sin, and I for one am deeply in love with Jesus. However, for all you Godless cretins, there is still hope.
A little website called Pornhub recently announced a plan that will not only boost its viewership, but will also help restore the earth’s forests: one tree for every 100 videos watched. That’s right. In support of Arbor Day, April 25, Pornhub vowed to donate 1 tree to an unnamed environmental group for every 100 videos watched under the “Big Dick” category on its website before the 25th. As a result, nearly 11,000 trees were planted this year! And who says all those porn viewers are sick perverts? I do. I say that.
According to recent World Wildlife Fund data, we are currently losing between 46 and 58 thousand square miles of forest worldwide EVERY YEAR to deforestation. To add a little bit of perspective, that is roughly the equivalent of 36 FUCKING FOOTBALL FIELDS EVERY MINUTE. Thirty-six. Every. Minute. But don’t get me wrong, this is not intended to imply that simply watching as much porn and beating off as much as possible will eradicate the destruction of the world’s dwindling forests – wouldn’t it be badass if it could, though? This is just to say that this idea is a win-win-win. On one hand, it means less shame, and even a sense of pride, for all of you disgusting degenerates that actually watch this filth, because at least it’s finally for a good cause. On the other, you’re helping save the forests, man! You’re helping undo all the damage profit-obsessed multinationals have done to our woodlands and replacing it with those beautiful things that were already there. Suck on those balls, Sinar Mas. Oh, and you’re supporting the nice people at The Hub, too. At least they’ll prosper, mildly, before they spend the rest of eternity burning alive.
Though this campaign will not be back until next mid-April, mark it down and don’t forget it. Guess it wouldn’t hurt to make a discrete “Big Dick” bookmark to remind you either. So feel encouraged, nay, feel empowered to choke those boink swatters and slam those gut lockers all you want, boys n’ girls. You are doing us all a favor.