All men everywhere, I am certain, have wondered at least once what their underwear choice says about them. And let’s not disregard the neurotic women of the Millennial generation that Google-search this exact title moments after Paul, or Greg, or Jeff with the butt-chin has left her sexed sheets on a Sunday morning. Mark Twain insists that one should “write what you know.” After years of observations, demonstrations, and ruminations of friends, landlords, brothers, and a significant others of the straight and semi-straight variety and their chonies I feel confident in my analysis of a man and his underpants.
1. White (despite cut or kind)
This man either:
A. Has not done laundry in sixty-eight days and this is his last pair. Sixty-eight days is a significant amount of time to avoid dirty laundry and he is likely a procrastinator. Also known as: good luck getting an engagement ring before menopause.
B. Is mercifully unaware of his skid mark potential. He is oblivious. Ignorance may be bliss in some predicaments, but not where fecal remnants are concerned. Also known as: this man will not know that he likes you enough to put a ring on it.
C. Is confident in his skid mark-less life because he uses baby wipes. (You know what I mean). His ex-girlfriend of five years of nag and neglect pounded this hygienic bore into his commitment hungry and personal-growth-or-bust wired brain. Also known as: he is going to ask you to stop eating top ramen for the health of your womb and his future children.
2. Boxer Briefs (with worn elastic – slightly faded, slightly jaded and likely forest green)
He is a virgin with commitment issues. This was his first pair of boxer briefs…nine years ago. Also known as: You have some serious hours of “just the tip” ahead of you.
3. Quite Tight, Bright, Brief and Leaf Sized
This man is the wild card. Does he have a sassy, drunk and cross-dressing alter ego? Would he wipe blood on your face if he has cut his hand because he thinks it’s funny? Would he flash his genitalia to a stranger in your grandmother’s nursing home? Is he the kindest and most compassionate man in existence? Perhaps, all of the above. Also known as: you will never know what you’re going to get.
Do your shorts hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? There is not a plethora of support in this cut for the big “S”(scrotum or semen dispenser, your choice). This man is free-spirited and less concerned with physical appearance since his balls will sag significantly after decades of dangling. Also known as: burn your bras and bring on the burgers (and curly fries).
5. The Same as You
This man is confident enough to uniform himself in undies that leave little foreskin to the imagination. He may be European or wear very tight pants, but either way he is the man want present in the crisis of your lost airport luggage. Also known as: you can share underwear (he is your soul mate).