I’ve had three Bloody Mary’s and seventeen olives and I’m in that crater of a conversation that revolves around significant others and their brunch orders. I wish I cared what your boring boyfriend chose to eat for breakfast to accommodate his Paleo diet and stomach sensitivity to dairy, but I don’t. I would rather gag myself with the bright green straw in charge of my Bloody Mary consumption and re-eat the marbled pieces of olive after I’ve thrown them up than continue the conversation. After this instance I realized that some occurrences are truly emotional nails on a chalkboard that cause you to cringe on the inside.
1. Cute Snapchats
There is a reason Snapchats only last a few seconds, and it isn’t so I can peer at your glowing cheeks for four seconds after your 8am run with the Golden Gate Bridge in the background that I peek at through my hangover and out of my eye mask. Snapchats are for penis photographs and ferociously ugly and clever facial expressions.
You can’t half-accept a job offer or a burrito that needs to be eaten. This scenario refers to any man who tells you that he likes it when you push in your chair after you eat dinner, but not when you talk about vaginas at the dinner table.
3. Acquaintance Etiquette
After you’ve been absent for weeks, spending time with your close friends, an acquaintance is bound to ask “What’s new?” Although you generally answer them politely and blandly, if you lost the part of your brain that censored what you said before you spoke, you might say, “I shaved my vagina this morning.” But, instead you stoop to dud levels and just talk about working.
4. Watching Dead Poets’ Society a second time.
After you know that Neil commits suicide, you cannot re-watch the film the same way again. The same is true for Lion King. Seriously!
5. Old Facebook Messages
Perhaps you decide to message an old boyfriend from six years prior that has a niche profession that you need advice on and as you find his name in your Facebook inbox you discover that Facebook has catalogued every single message you have chronicled to one another. Viewing this tumultuous and immature relationship across a slew of Facebook messages at a time when you didn’t have the mental audacity to capitalize your “i”s is horrifying
6. Ex-Girlfriends Declared
There’s nothing worse that introducing a few friends to each other, “Jen, this is Kyle. Kyle this is Jen.” When Jen turns to Kyle in an attempt to connect with him brings up his crazy ex-girlfriend with the whipping fetish, that actually is the next person in the circle you were going to introduce Jen too.
7. Strange Semen
When a two-night stand ejaculates in your leg crevice (i.e. the space where the thigh meets the groin) or when anyone you’re not a little bit in love with gets semen on you or your belongings you find yourself in an inner wince. Especially when he gets back together with his ex-girlfriend before you’ve even showered.
8. Instagram Confessionals
Examples include, but are not limited to stalking your new beau’s Instagram feed back to the origin of Instagram time and discovering that he has a three year old.
9. Getting Pursued While Sweating
You have just returned from a run and you’re holding a large basket of (very dirty) laundry in your arms, and a backpacking backpack on your back and a stranger on the street tells you that he’s glad the Laundromat is closed, because at least you met. And then he asks if you would like to get a drink and he’s holding baklava. And you mumble something about dating someone else right now and can he stop staring at your sweaty face?
10. Drunken Haircuts
After three glasses of wine, and an insistence to your hairdresser named Willow (who also has a forehead tattoo) to “cut it all off,” you’re going to look like a rejected cabbage patch doll and it’s going to be your own fault.