Posted On April 19, 2014 By In Fashion For Men, Lifestyle, Manzone

The Most Awesomely Horrific Things You Can Grow On Your Face

 
 

“Hey, alright! I finally feel like a man!”

“But, oh my god, you look sooo dirty!”

Regardless of your personal feelings on the situation, facial hair is here to stay – at least for a couple months until perms claw their way back to the top. It’s gonna happen. The facial hair transplant business is a-boomin’, too. Yeah, you read that right. In case you have not heard, follicly-impaired men across the country are now shelling out anywhere from $5,000 to $15,000 to graft from their scalps to their faces what Mama Nature did not see fit to gift them in the first place. One Dr. Jeffrey Epstein, a prominent New York City plastic surgeon, has reported a spike from just a few of these procedures a year in the early 2000s to an average of three a week over the past couple years. Whatever the source of your scruff, we have all undoubtedly witnessed a plethora of horrible liberties taken with those sprouts. Here is a handful of ways to ruin your blanket and ensure you look like a right and proper douche:

The Neard (a.k.a. ‘The Neck Beard’)

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Go for it if you want to end up looking just like Jonah Hill, ’cause what a total not-asshole he turned out to be.

The Chinstrap

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Betcha can’t guess where 100% of Ed Hardy’s annual revenue comes from…

The Male Model Beard

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This abomination to bearding makes me want to vomit, and it is blasphemy to even refer to it as a beard. Might as well chop your own balls off if you don’t see the folly in spending as much time time plucking the thing as you do your eyebrows – which is hardly better. That is, assuming you were even born with a pair to begin with…

The Cum Catcher

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“No deal, Howie.”

The Landing Strip

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“Hey now, you’re a douchebag!”

The Molestache

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Nothing says “I like to watch young boys shower” quite like this classic gem of barely-there peach fuzz. Just give up, Sidney Crosby. It’ll never happen. Slither on back to your white windowless Econoline and burn that shit off.

The Little Richard

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This close relative of the Molestache gives off the same child-groping vibe.

 The Scott Ian

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Like two turds dipped in radioactive sludge. THAT’S SO METAL.

The Amish

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Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for establishing religious/cultural identity – if you actually belong to the Amish. Even then, this one’s a bit iffy. A beard without a ‘stache ain’t much of a beard at all.

Sideburns/Chops

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A lil’ bit’s alright. Down to your jaw? Wolverine can rock ’em just fine, but otherwise they spill the beans on your Miller Lite/WWE addiction and aspirations to do ’80s porn.

Unhappy with your baby-bottom-smooth face? I suggest putting that testosterone to work and growing a beard – a full-blown shrub – or at the very least a nice womb broom. Either one is a thousand times better than any of these winners that will do a shitty job of convincing the world that you aren’t a complete toolbag.

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Mike Burleson gets stupid ideas. These ideas then undergo a hellacious, bootcamp-style initiation, in which the cream of the crop that will make him look the most dumb are sifted out and given a rose. These ideas are uploaded to the Writtalin website for you to make fun of. A narcoleptic some of the time, he enjoys napping around the globe, self-confidence, and geriatric culture. Hailing from the Great Plains outside St. Louis, MO, Mike currently takes up lodging in Denver, and is pinching pennies to one day open a prairie dog farm. Other pastimes that help him to make sense of life include hiking, Seinfeld, watching dogs poop, poop humor, Dick Valentine. Put a little mustard on that mustard!

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