The difference between your early twenties and your mid-twenties is vast. Once you hit your mid-twenties you’re welcome into a strange world where planning for retirement becomes a thing that you actually have to start thinking about, a world where everyone on MTV is younger than you, a world where you get invited to more weddings than keggers, a world where you can’t eat McDonalds because it’s “too greasy.” It’s basically the Twilight Zone.
Another cool, fun thing about being in your mid-twenties is that you enter into a constant state of panic about getting older, accompanied by a seemingly ceaseless inner monologue about what you’re doing with your life and why you exist and where you’re going and what it all means. You’ll find you now have trigger words like “mortgage” that launch you into neurotic ticks which include but aren’t limited to: taking walks, downloading apps to help you manage your finances, crying, shopping at The Gap, clipping coupons, and going to bed at 10:30 PM.
In the midst of your quarter life crisis, you should be comforted to know that you still have options. You can either accept that you’re maturing and take on your new responsibilities with pride and excitement, or you can regress and get a job at the mall while taking up Mario Karts as your new hobby, or you can choose an alternative lifestyle where you can avoid reality without completely giving up on life.
Alternative Lifestyle Choice Number 1: Join a Cult…I mean, Commune
Find a piece of land with an abandoned farmhouse on it and form a community of like-minded folks who enjoy growing their own food and playing acoustic guitar while sitting on tree stumps. Wear clothes made out of hemp and bake your own vegan bread. Find a way to become more of a “leader” because usually the “leaders” in these sort of communities have a lot of pull. Sure, it’s a symbiotic community founded on love and equality, but you could be the leader of the symbiotic peaceful community. I’m getting kind of thirsty, BRB, getting some Kool-Aid.
Alternative Lifestyle Choice Number 2: Audition for Reality TV
Who knows? You could squeeze out a profitable fifteen minutes of fame. You’re cool, you’re interesting, you’re flexible when it comes to self-respect. Maybe choose a dating show and get a little romance going on. If you’re really desperate you could become the season’s villain. The key is to make the most of your time on the show and afterwards do absolutely everything you can to get more publicity, like sleep with someone more famous or start a clothing line.
Alternative Lifestyle Choice Number 3: Become a Performance Artist
You’re not driving to work in your 2005 Honda Civic, you’re performing an intricate exploration of daily life from the perspective of a brilliant and unique artist. You’re not going to see a Reese Witherspoon movie in theaters, you’re playing the role of a person who is going to see a Reese Witherspoon movie in theaters. It’s different. This person that you’re playing as part of your art likes extra butter on their popcorn. You, the artist, prefer Junior Mints.
Alternative Lifestyle Choice Number 4: Commit to a Life of Crime
An effective way to avoid responsibility is to become a straight up criminal. It can be quite a lucrative path if you’re a person who is discrete, clever, and lacking morals. Embezzle money, rob banks, burglarize rich people’s estates, there are many options. You can also choose to become a violent criminal if you’re into murdering and that kind of thing, but I personally think it’s best to, like, not to do that. It never ends well. For real, did you see the Dexter finale? Just awful.
Alternative Lifestyle Choice Number 5: Grad School
If you haven’t gone back to school yet now is the perfect time to reflect on everything you’ve achieved thus far, decide it was a complete waste of time, and realize that your true calling is to become a Nutritionist. Your Bachelor’s in Communications will be rendered completely useless, but who cares? Buy a juicer and take out some ridiculous student loans, this is your opportunity to sit in a classroom for another few years while avoiding a tedious desk job at Corporate Corporation, Inc.