The stories you are about to read are all 100% true. Names, locations, and other identifying characteristics have not been changed to protect the innocent. Namely, because the only innocent person in these scenarios is me.
10. Guy: “I’m not gonna bust inside you, I’m a nice Jewish boy.” Me: *Nopes the fuck out*
9. Guy mumbles something. Me: “What?” Guy: “I’m tired.” Then proceeds to roll over and pass tf out on top of me. In a twin bed. While I am struck with the undeniable and inopportune urge to pee.
8. On a second date, the guy I was with kissed me in a crowded parking garage. Then, he tried to unbutton my pants…In the aforementioned parking garage, while people were trying to pull out (ha!) of their spaces. I got a whole lot of dirty looks when I drove away.
7. Once I made out with a guy at a club who, at the time, I was convinced looked exactly like Chance the Rapper. In the morning, I wasn’t so sure if I should be proud of that fact or not.
6. That time I kissed a guy and through further social media stalking, found out he had a kid. Accidental homewrecker or nah?
5. “Put me in, coach.”
4. Bought a bed frame from Ikea. You can see where this was going. Bed frame splintered and crashed to the floor at 4am while I and someone else were in the bed.
3. Same night, same guy, a few minutes later: “Uhhh, did you get your period?” “Why?” “Well cause it looks like I murdered a squirrel.
2. It did in fact look like a small mammal was murdered and its blood was smeared all over my sheets, and some on the walls.
1. “Hey, uh, my homie asked if he could join.” His homie had braces. BRACES. We were well past middle school age, and exactly 0 times that night did I give off “devil’s 3-way” vibes.