I’ve recently found myself, for lack of a better hashtag…#singleasfuck. Not only that but hey, I’m a girl so I have to deal with hormones, PMS and all that fun stuff. The only guy who calls my house is Randy from Chase Visa. Just kidding, I don’t have a house phone. Anyways, drunk grocery shopping led me to find the ultimate lover: a pack of Double Stuffed Oreos. Why are they better than a man you might ask? Well girls, listen up!
1. Oreos NEVER disappoint
Oreo after Oreo I get the same taste and satisfaction as I did from the previous one. With each passing day, the Oreos don’t go bad and never cease to satisfy my sweet tooth. Men, on the other hand – at some point, they’re bound to disappoint. Men don’t come with a guarantee and they can turn out to be bad kissers, bad lovers, or the usual: gigantic douchebags. Yet, have you’ve ever heard anyone complain about a bad Oreo? Never!
2. Oreos mix well with anything
Oreos dipped in milk, Oreos with peanut butter, crushed Oreos on your ice cream or froyo, Oreo cheesecake, Oreo Madness, Oreos and Nutella. You name it. But men…men don’t mix well with everything. Some don’t go very well with alcohol in their system. Some don’t mix well when they’re around their stupid friends. Some don’t go well when you mix them with your family and friends. But you give me an Oreo and I’ll always find something to pair it with.
3. Oreos are versatile
Like I said before, Oreos mix well with spreads and make fantastic toppings. But they’re also very versatile. Oreos come in different flavors, there are even some surprise flavors for certain holidays that just delight us all. Oreos can be eaten whole, you can split them in half, you can eat the cream first and then the cookies…you name it. And then there are men, they are what they are and they’ll never change for themselves, for you or for anybody. But…
4. Oreos make you feel better when you’re on your period
Whether you’re PMSing or already riding that crimson wave, an Oreo (or 10) will make you feel better and calm the craziness, even for just a couple of minutes. A man will never, ever be a good companion for when Aunt Flo is in town. Not only for the obvious reason: the premises are closed until further notice, but they’re also freaked out by pads, tampons, and the fact that you’re bleeding profusely down there and not dying. They’ll also never get why you’re mad, crying, binge eating and crying again…they’ll just never get it. But Oreos, they don’t judge, they don’t get freaked out, and they’ll always be there for you in your time of need.
5. You don’t have to fake it with an Oreo
If you want an Oreo, you’ll have it. If it’s the best thing you’ve had all day, you’ll know it. With men, you sometimes have to fake conversations, interest, and…other things…
6. Oreos won’t fake it with you either!
Oreos are the real deal. They’re America’s favorite cookie! They’ll always be fresh and ready for you to eat them. Men though, they’ll fake whatever they need to in order to get you to unzip your pants.
And yes, too many Oreos will have you unzipping your pants too, but that’s a whole other issue, girls.